Figurative Brotherhood
by mistress amethyst une
Summary: 1xR one-shot series. The Hazards of Homecoming: "Is he still interested in you? I may have been observing via holographic ocular node, but I saw the way he looked at you on Libra." "Oh?" "I didn't like it." "Oh..." -1xR, 6x9-
1. Cupid's a Death God

** Disclaimer:** GW = not mine.

**Author's Note:** I recently bought myself a copy of "The Bro Code," and found quite a hefty load of inspiration in it. From there, this one-shot series was born. I hope to have a lot of fun with this concept, and hope you enjoy this as much as I do. :) This series focuses on 1xR and their friendship with the other pilots. May have other het pairings in the future.

** Figurative Brotherhood  
by mistress amethyst une**

**Cupid's a Death God**

* * *

_Q: What is a Bro?_

_A: A Bro is a person who would give you the shirt off his back when he doesn't want to wear it anymore. A Bro is a person who will bend over backwards to help you bend someone else over backwards. In short, a Bro is a lifelong companion you can trust will always be there for you, unless he's got something else going on._

_--taken from The Bro Code by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p.1_

_

* * *

_

Heero Yuy was seething, his loose grip on calm kept in check solely by the fact that Relena was with him. Heaven forbid she leave him alone with the company they were expecting lest apocalypse be ushered in early. He was here for duty's sake, nothing more. He owed Duo Maxwell for services rendered during the war in the form of medical aid, transport and support on the battlefield among other things. He also, grudgingly, had Duo to thank for the gorgeous woman who now served as a stopper for his urge to throttle his comrade.

Maxwell had made an excellent pre-emptive strike when he'd liquored Heero up and left him on Relena's doorstep. Drunken confessions coupled with fever born from alcohol produced in a home distillery with questionable purification methods...

It's not hard to admit your love to your personal goddess when you're both crying your eyes out, her because she's wondering if the man in her arms is at death's door, him because he doesn't want her tearful face to be the last thing he sees before passing on. It was then that he truly understood what it meant to desire life, and not just any life, a life spent with her.

Yes, it was melodramatic. Both Heero and Relena agreed to deny this ever occured under pain of death. After all, she had sworn never to cry for him again after he'd left for that six month deep space mission without so much as a goodbye. For making her break her oath by his appearing gripped by simulated death throes at her feet, he would have to be sanctioned. She had made it clear to him that he would have to earn her affection. For every tear she had shed on his behalf and every second he had made her wait, he would have to pay the price.

So far, so good...

He was nowhere near filing for bankruptcy in the romance department. However, today was testing him in terms of just how much he was willing to pay to keep Relena at his side. When he had made up his mind that he would do _anything at all _to be with her, he had neglected the fact that spending time with Duo fell under the category of _anything at all_.

The young power couple comprised of the former queen of the world and her one man security team took their places at the reserved booth, sitting adjacent to Preventer's second best human weapon.

"Glad you could make it, princess," grinned Duo. "And I see you took Relena with you. Nice..."

Heero huffily stuck to his stoicism as Relena returned Duo's smile. "I told him it was about time he met with his best friend. After all, we had nothing better to do."

"You're missing a meeting with former nobles of Romafeller who were stripped of their titles," spat Heero.

"And deservedly so," she pointed out. "Again, we had nothing better to do."

"I'm happy to serve as distraction, your highness," beamed the lovable rogue. "Shall I order us a round of drinks?"

"No," blurted Heero, remembering the last time he'd let Maxwell take his drink order.

"Princess?"

"Designated driver," she beamed. "I'm not letting Heero drive or modify my baby. He totaled 'Old Pinky' when Pagan lent it to him. Cars are not mobile suits, Heero. You don't fit them with thrusters or try to get the headlights to double as beam weapons. You most certainly don't drive them upside down on the ceiling of a public tunnel."

Duo thought it prudent not to tell Relena that souping up various automobiles was his specialty. He completely understood Heero's need to improve on machinery. Faking a laugh at his comrade's expense, he couldn't help but notice how tightly Heero's hand clasped Relena's on the table.

"Drinking alone's hardly any fun. Guess it's a sober night."

"May I take your order?" inquired a waitress.

"But there's no menu," noted Relena.

"They don't need no menu. Specialty's booze and grease. No booze so I guess we're going for the grease. Three burgers and a large order of fries with a pitcher of sweet tea, sweetheart. Hope you two don't mind me ordering for us?"

Heero and Relena shook their heads as the waitress dutifully took the order down before disappearing into the kitchen. It had been awhile since either of them had sat down to humble fare. Fine cuisine was hardly all it was cracked up to be. The few times it happened to be palatable, there was just too little of it to be satisfying. They'd been starved by the bigotry of their usual hosts for the better part of the year.

"I think it's about time I cut to the chase," said Duo impishly, once he'd done a brief visual scan of the establishment for potential eavesdroppers. "How's the love life?"

For the first time, Heero felt what it was like to choke on his own air. He should have known to expect a conversation with Duo Maxwell would have him hurting worse than blunt force trauma.

"Just fine," Relena replied for him. "We're...adapting. Actually, part of the reason I came today was to thank you. Your methods were unorthodox-"

"Unorthodox?" interrupted Heero. "You call _poisoning _me unorthodox? I thought I was going to die!"

"And so did I. Still, we're a stubborn pair. Desperate measures had to be taken. I'm willing to admit my failings in being open about how I felt. Are you?"

She said this all with her usual unshakeable diplomatic calm. He grumbled, knowing he would never win this argument.

"Hn," he grunted.

Duo beamed at the pair. He knew a good match when he saw one. Heero's feelings for Relena had always been plain as day. She alone had remained blind to how Heero adored her from afar, seeing the perfect's soldier's aloofness as him wanting to be away from her. Duo knew better. Heero had been struggling with his inner demons, afraid that he would put Relena in peril.

When Heero returned in a miserable state after disappearing for six months, Duo decided to take matters into his own hands. After all, there was that homemade bottle of moonshine in Hilde's basement, and he had nothing better to do. In his opinion, helping out a brother-in-arms was as good a way as any to spend a Saturday night. Also, liquoring up the perfect soldier was just the kind of mission to appeal to the death god temporarily turned Cupid.

_"I love her, you know," slurred Heero, his head colliding with the bar as he swayed on his stool. "The way she's so damn sexy even when she's all covered up. Makes me want to tear her clothes off, bend her over her desk, have my way with her..."_

_"Let it all out, buddy," sighed Duo. _

_Hearing his comrade's sexual fantasies about Relena definitely wasn't on the itinerary. Then again, it was good to know that a man like Heero was at least capable of sexual fantasies._

_"And when she smiles at me even when I'm being a fucking ass... It's like she's punishing me by not hitting me in the face. Get it?"_

_"Sure, dude. Go on..."_

_"I just... I just love her, you know?"_

_"I know."_

_"You know?"_

_"Yep."_

_"How? I didn't tell you, did I? I... I just love how she looks at me. It's like... Like... It's like... She's so... It's like she loves me, too. It's like she loves me but she doesn't cause I don't even if I do cause she won't cause I won't even if we both want each other when we can't but we don't not cause we can't not be together... You get it?"_

_"Of course, pal. Of course..."_

The man on that bar stool then proceeded to throw up and pass out. It was then that Duo decided the best place for Heero was with Relena. The poor lovesick idiot would die inside if Duo didn't intervene. And so it came to be that a thoroughly trashed Heero ended up on Relena's doorstep, vomiting at her feet...

"Food's here," announced Duo, as the waitress set the plates before them. "I apologize for the lack of cutlery-"

He stopped short as he observed the two eagerly using a hands-on approach to dinner, pushing stuffy propriety aside to enjoy a normal meal. Relena set her burger down on her plate as she dabbed at her mouth with a tissue, stifling a giggle as Heero continued his exercise in efficient mastication.

"Haven't eaten in awhile?" asked Duo.

Heero quickly swallowed a mouthful. "Stuffy aristocrats don't feed us. Small servings, rush through the courses, talk too much..."

"And I don't care if they're delicacies," added Relena. "Some of the things they put on the table are just foul."

"Sank Kingdom cuisine," shuddered Heero. "One wonders how your people survived. They ferment almost everything..."

She laughed. "Well, I never did promote culinary tourism while I was in power."

She took a fresh paper napkin and dabbed at the corner of Heero's mouth. From the kindness in Heero's eyes to the smile on his greasy lips, Duo could tell that his friend was now a happy man.

"Another Saturday night well-spent," he thought to himself.

* * *

And there's my first go on some Bro Code material. :p I'll probably update this sporadically.


	2. Tap, Tap, Tap

** Disclaimer:** GW = not mine.

**Author's Note: **Had a tough time with this one. Took me forever to come up with what Heero would dread so much. :p

** Figurative Brotherhood  
by mistress amethyst une**

**Tap, Tap, Tap  
**

* * *

**_~Article 2~_**

**_A Bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are all doing it._**

_**NOTE: **Had Butch Cassidy come charging out of that cabin alone, people would have been like, "Dude, come on." If only one Spanish dude had decided to run down the street in front of a bunch of angry bulls, people would have been like, "Dude, come on." If only Tommy Lee had worn eyeliner in the early days of Mötley Crüe, people would have been like, "Lady, come on." The license to be stupid is why we have Bros in the first place._

_--taken from The Bro Code by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p. 12_

_

* * *

_

Under the covers, Heero remained still, refusing to reveal himself. He knew she was standing there, hands on her hips, impatiently tapping her foot. Tap, tap, tap against the hardwood floor. She wasn't leaving anytime soon.

When the former queen of the world is standing at your bedside, apparently tapping out a death threat in Morse code, the proper response would be to bolt upright and apologize for lying when you called in sick so you could skip out on today's _special_ duties. The proper response is not curling up into a ball under the sheets and clutching at the cloth like a lifeline even as she uses her crimson claws to tear the covering off you. She eventually managed to yank the sheets off, sending the bare-chested pilot on a collision course with the floor.

"Oof!"

Tap, tap, tap went her high-heeled shoe, greeting him upon his landing. Looking up at her, he couldn't even manage the apologetic grin heroes in romantic comedies would usually employ in this situation. No, he simply scowled, cursing his defeat at her hands once more.

"You won't be alone," she told the man sprawled at her feet as she nudged his face with her heel. "It won't kill you."

"Present proof supporting that claim, and I'll consider it," he replied, his glare showing defiance even as her stiletto pricked his cheek.

He'd seen the occasional movie where the heroine utilized the needle-like heel of her shoe as a deadly weapon, using it to step on an unfortunate man's head in a show of power. She could puncture his face with her sharp sense of style. Well, it was a sacrifice he was willing to make. She valued his looks more than he ever did. At least, he got to look up her skirt from this angle, committing the sight of her lacy underthings to memory before accepting the fact that he would die by her foot. There was at least some dignity in being crushed by the former queen of the world. It certainly trumped what was in store for him if he went to work today.

The pricking pressure left his face as she heaved a sigh and stood at her full enhanced height. All right, so she was going to let him live. Sparing his life wasn't going to get him to come to headquarters.

"Heero, it's tradition."

"Human sacrifice used to be tradition. They abolished it for the good of civilization."

"What harm is there in-"

"I'm not doing it."

All right, she meant business now. Looking him in the eyes, she made sure he saw her face clearly. Pouting ever so slightly, she made her lips quiver, putting on a tone that would make anyone's heart break.

"B-but why? Why, Heero?" she stammered for dramatic effect. "All I want is for you to have a good day at work, take part in an honored tradition with your co-workers... Is that too much to ask? I mean they begged me, you know? What am I supposed to tell them? That I failed them, Heero? That Relena Darlian is a failure at exercising diplomacy in her meager personal affairs?"

Oh hell... They both knew she was faking but he always fell for this ploy hook, line and sinker. Well, not this time. After two minutes of solid silence, she dropped the act.

"Do I have to go 'woe is me?' You're being especially difficult today."

"Such is a side effect of being around you for extended periods of time."

"Look, they won't do it if you're not a complete set."

"I gave into this last year."

"The second go won't be as bad. You survived the first time around."

"It's just... The whole thing is ridiculous."

"It's for charity."

Stupid charity auction. Win a date with a Preventer hunk. Whoever thought of it probably didn't have the burden of being attractive enough to be the object of a furious female bidding war. Yes, pity poor Heero. He's hot and a victim of unwanted female attention. Boo-hoo... He knew he was being a whiny bitch but last year left a bad taste in his mouth.

"Are you going to buy me this year?" he asked her, a subliminal plea embedded in the question. "I don't enjoy being some rich cougar's arm candy. I really don't."

She rolled her eyes. "My mother is not a cougar. She just wanted to know what I saw in you."

Her mother? That explained why the woman who'd won him was referred to as _Miss Darlian_. His heart had leapt when he'd heard that _Miss Darlian_ had won him. It quickly sank to the pits of hell when he realized that it was a Darlian other than Relena.

"And? What did she see in me?" he asked, unable to keep his curiosity in check.

"She thinks my taste in men shouldn't match my taste in chocolate."

Heero raised an eyebrow, looking particularly bemused considering he still lay prostrate before her on the floor.

"Strong, dark, bitter, no nuts..."

His confusion swiftly turned to irritation as she chuckled.

"I told her that she was mistaken, of course. My taste in men has no parallel."

"You still haven't promised to buy me," he growled.

"Come to work, and I'll consider it," she offered, throwing him a devilish smile. "And for heaven's sake, pick yourself up and get dressed. Mindless worship isn't going to encourage me to bid on you."

He growled again, jumping to his feet and leaning into her. An ordinary woman would have squeaked in surprise. Relena only giggled.

"Enough dramatics," she ordered. "To the shower, Heero! Clean yourself up. You're relegated to desk work today. We need to keep you nice and neat for tonight."

He grumbled, grabbing his uniform from the closet before heading to the bathroom and locking the door behind him. Damn the rule of the complete set.

_"It's all of us or none of us, ok?" declared Duo, absentmindedly chewing on the tip of his expertly styled braid. "There's just no license to be stupid if you go at this alone."_

_"You need a license?" mocked Wufei._

_"Opinions, Gundam team?" asked Duo, ignoring Wufei's remark._

_"Hn," grunted Heero, knowing very well Relena wouldn't be in the crowd tonight. _

_Was this disappointment he felt? He hated having to stay here amid all this festivity with no knowledge of her security team's capabilities. She was off-world, attending to yet another pointless meeting with nobles who only sought to cause her trouble. The last thing he wanted was to take part in this ridiculous spectacle as old farts plotted Relena's downfall right before her eyes._

_He observed Trowa offering a nod to Duo's preposition as Quatre followed suit. Wufei shrugged. No doubt, the solitary dragon found solace in the knowledge that the five of them would go down in flames together. _

_"It's official then," sighed Duo, glad to have formed some solidarity with his comrades in this coming trial._

Warm water rained on him as he recalled how that night turned out. So that woman had been Relena's foster mother... Well, he could have done worse. At least, he didn't end up on a man's arm like Wufei. Most awkward waltz ever. As expected, Duo had bragging rights to the most financial returns. Dorothy bought Quatre for quite the absurd price as well. Trowa's reputation as a flexible acrobat didn't hurt his popularity either.

Heero would have ended the night less than peeved had it not been for Relena's absence leaving him at the mercy of a room full of women who saw him as a male fantasy for sale. He had resolved never to participate in the damned stunt again. Of course, that meant he would be shutting down the whole event this year. The others wouldn't proceed without the stupidity license afforded by safety in numbers.

Washing the last of the soap off his body and rinsing the shampoo out of his hair, he sighed. His reason for not participating had stormed his apartment (Well, he had given her a key) and tap, tap, tapped him into submission. For the price he was paying in terms of years burned off his lifespan by the mortification brought on by hundreds of female eyes publicly undressing him, she had better buy him. After all, no matter who dared strip him naked in their mind, she was the only one allowed to physically divest him of his clothing. He was offering her a special deal, the entire package. Pun intended. He knew that he was worth every penny she could afford...

He got dressed in the bathroom, knowing very well that appearing before her in only a towel would be the height of stupidity, especially since he still had her underwear for today committed to memory. Red lace, damn it. He had to think of various not sexy things now. The last thing he needed was to hop back in the shower for some painful cold water shock therapy. Howard's Hawaiian shirts, Howard's disgusting habit of having bits of food stuck in his white facial hair, Howard's- Heero wondered if Howard would appreciate being an anti-hard-on.

After quickly brushing his teeth, he walked out of the bathroom, hair still wet as he grabbed a comb from his bedside table and haphazardly ran it through the brown mop on his head. Tap, tap, tap went her foot again as she stood with one hand on her hip, her other arm raised slightly higher as she glared at her watch. When he had finished something mildly resembling a morning routine, she quickly eyed him from head to toe.

"You'll do," she shrugged. "And you're only an hour late for duty. Fancy that... Thankfully, this little distraction hasn't upset my schedule. I've cleared out my day to be sure I wouldn't be too tired for tonight's auction. I do wonder who I'll bid on."

Damn tease... As they walked to her car, he ventured to sell himself.

"Bid on me and I'll-"

He whispered the rest in her ear, aware that his sales pitch involved things that would make a whore's face burn. It worked wonders on the vice foreign minister's complexion. Make-up just couldn't replicate the delicious shade of pink that tinged her cheeks when she blushed...

Heh.

The car ride was quiet, sexual tension thickening the proverbial air to a consistency one could slice with a beam saber. She drove stick magnificently even as her face glowed scarlet. He was going to be the death of her, and he knew it. When he promised to kill her, he never specified his methods. Drawn out sexual frustration seemed to be working for him at the moment. Only problem was she was just as good at using this particular weapon.

After dropping him off at headquarters, she sped off like her life depended on it. He supposed she was rushing home for some _technological assistance_. An evil laugh escaped him as he made his way to his office. She wasn't going to find her vibrator if it was safely locked away in his filing cabinet. She would either have to win him tonight or seek release by hand. Her fingers pushing that red lace- No! Must not be distracted. Think Howard, Heero. Think Howard. Howard with a banjo singing stupid limericks...

_There once was a man from L-1  
He liked to bed ladies for fun  
They moaned loud all day  
They fu-_

Howard had really stupid limericks. Really stupid.

Heero plopped into his swivel chair, taking it for a spin as a bored child would.

Relegated to desk work...

That basically translated to "Sit in your office like a good boy, Heero."

He always finished his reports ahead of time so there was nothing to distract him from tonight. Wanting to be productive, he infiltrated the office of an absent co-worker and alphabetized the poor sap's files. Yes, this was what happened when Heero had nothing to do. He played the part of filing fairy for the mere mortals. Just riveting...

After he'd finished raiding eight offices, taking two coffee breaks and savoring lunch for once, he couldn't help but wonder if all the clocks in the vicinity were running slow. Six more hours to show time. Six hours until he was ushered into a van with his fellow pilots, stupid sheep being led to the slaughter. Of course, their slaughterhouse came with a stage, a ballroom and an open bar to relieve one's troubles once tonight's winner saw fit to release him. Then again, if Relena won him, there was also his credit card and that five star hotel across the street...

A few office raids later, the time of reckoning arrived. They were required to come in uniform for this event. The better to sell the virile Preventer male to the audience... Heero was just thankful he didn't have to wear his suit again. It was still mildly singed at the sleeves after his mishap with the laser security system at their last formal party venue.

Just like the previous year, he waited backstage with his comrades, trying to feign calm. Relena was going to buy him. She had to, damn it.

Wufei was the first up to bat. This year, he had made it clear that he was available exclusively for bidders of the female persuasion. As he disappeared into the stage, the auctioneer's furious call for bids began. Wufei ended with an acceptable 20,000 credits. It was less than half of last year's 50,000 credit haul. Oh well, catering to a less-varied array of buyers always took a bite out of one's earnings.

With Quatre, everyone already knew who was going to win him. The socialites didn't even bother to raise their paddles. Dorothy's initial bid of 300,000 credits killed any other potential bidder's chances.

Trowa's turn onstage raked in a respectable 60,000 credits. The dramatic acrobatic twirl during his entrance definitely had something to do with his profit. However, surprising the guests by unveiling a hidden torch and swallowing fire was what really got the money rolling in.

And then came last year's favorite. Duo Maxwell winked cheekily at the crowd. Hilde jokingly started the bidding off with 2,000 credits. She knew she wasn't going to win this but, in the end, she was the one he went home with. Relena elbowed Hilde.

"Bid higher, silly. Want me to buy him for you?" offered Relena.

"I don't want Heero to kill him," chortled Hilde. "Besides, I'm obligated to share my graces with the less fortunate. Let someone else deal with Duo tonight. I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the show."

Drunk on admiration, Duo walked the stage like a runway, letting everyone admire the merchandise. Backstage, Heero rolled his eyes at the sight on the vid screen.

_"The problem with you four is you don't shake the money maker," scolded Duo as they took the awkward van ride to their location._

_"Excuse me?" interjected Wufei._

_"It's all in the booty, dudes. I even shrunk my pants in the wash for the occasion," he winked._

_Heero wondered if it was coincidence when he, Quatre and Trowa all simultaneously smacked themselves in the forehead._

And shake his money maker Duo did.

Bids rose at an alarming rate, finally peaking at 470,000 credits courtesy of a shy young lady who devolved into a giggling, blushing mess as she claimed her prize onstage. Hilde smiled from her seat. Always the master showman. Her boyfriend would definitely show that poor little rich girl a good time. She had no qualms as long as Duo kept in mind who owned his heart...and that fine ass. Heero had a hard act to follow.

Speaking of which...

Heero took the stage, standing at attention as if expecting rifle shots to ring out any second, riddling his body with bullet holes. Stand proud, Zero One. Die with dignity.

Relena rolled her eyes, absentmindedly toying with her paddle. Did he really expect her to buy that? Tap, tap, tap went her paddle on her armrest. With the way he was acting, she wasn't going to raise it in jubilation any time soon.

"Impress me, Heero," her appraising stare challenged. "Excite me a little..."

"And we have 60,000!" announced the female auctioneer. "Do I hear 70? 70,000 from the handsome gentleman in the back..."

Did she just see Heero cringe? He was staring at her now, his eyes willing her paddle to move. She shook her head, smirking.

So she was challenging him, was she? Duo wasn't the only one who could put on a show. Taking a deep breath and hoping this night wouldn't haunt him for the rest of his life, he slowly began unbuttoning his Preventer jacket. Relena quickly realized what he was doing, and found herself torn between bursting into wild raucous laughter and going on stage to publicly stake her claim with wild, passionate, exhibitionist- NO!

She opted for neither action, maintaining a look of serenity even as the hot and bothered sex goddess within her fought to get out and publicly have her way with him.

He threw his jacket into the crowd, the garment landing neatly in her lap. She raised an eyebrow, putting on an unaffected facade. He would have to do better than that to crack her. So he was wearing that damned green tank top under his uniform... She cursed how the top's lack of sleeves showed off his well-toned arms, reminding her just how good his body felt wrapped around hers. Still, she insisted on resisting him. Tap, tap, tap went her paddle, its owner still refusing to let it rise.

"120,000, ladies and gentlemen!" tittered the auctioneer, trying to keep her eyes off the merchandise. "Do I hear 130?"

With a smug grin, Heero's hand moved to push his shirt up, giving the crowd a glimpse of those gorgeous washboard abs. Damn it, damn it, damn it... He was not going to take his shirt off. He was not! He was not! He was-

The discarded tank top hit Relena square in the face.

"He's not too good at this striptease thing, is he?" mocked Hilde good-naturedly.

Relena didn't hear Hilde, her eyes narrowing to slits as Heero's hand moved to his belt. Oh no, he wouldn't! He was not going to strip down to his boxers in public. Wait, was he even wearing underwear? She was aware he liked to freeball. Was she going to call his bluff? Everyone knew she was dating him, for heaven's sake. His sultry stare clashed with her glare. She could put a stop to this right now, spare them both from being exiled by polite society.

Tap, tap, tap went her paddle...would she give in?

"500,000 from the young lady up front!" squealed the auctioneer. "Do I hear 510? No?"

The belt came off, falling to the stage floor.

"Going once..."

"Your move, Relena," his smug expression told her. Scowling, her paddle finally went up to deal the necessary coup de grâce to his poor excuse at stripping.

"Going twi-"

"Two million," announced Relena as she finally raised her paddle, silencing the mindless chatter around her. So this was the sound of at least a hundred less than innocent female dreams being doomed to an untimely death... She quite liked it.

"T-two million?" stuttered the auctioneer.

"Two million," repeated Relena. "Is there a problem?"

"No, ma'am," coughed the girl, regaining her composure. "Two million from the lovely lady sitting front and center. Going once..."

Whispered grumbles were heard from the unfulfilled crowd. Relena basked in it.

"Going twice..."

"Two million?" hissed Hilde. "Seriously?"

"I've been saving up for this since last year's auction," shrugged Relena. "Stupid nobles had to distract me. I had to have my mother proxy..."

"SOLD! Come up and claim your prize, miss."

Relena stood, dropping her paddle and letting Heero's clothes fall from her lap. As she walked toward him, she picked up his discarded belt. Upon reaching him, she looped the leather around his neck as a leash. He gave her a grin, obviously pleased with himself. She would see about that. With two million down the drain, she was going to get her money's worth.

Starting now...

"I should give you a public lashing," she whispered in his ear, sneaking a quick ass pinch as she dragged her half-naked man slave off-stage by his make-shift belt collar.

* * *

Whew! Finished! And below is Howard's full limerick if anyone's wondering... This was oodles of fun. Feedback please. I've never dropped so much kink in a fic before. :sweatdrop:

There once was a man from L-1  
He liked to bed ladies for fun  
They moaned loud all day  
They fucked by the bay  
Enjoying the surf and the sun


	3. Team Players

**Disclaimer: **GW = not mine

**Author's Note: **Angsty start but it gets better from there, I assure you. Heero sort of wins in this one but not against Relena. :p

**Figurative Brotherhood  
by mistress amethyst une**

**Team Players**

* * *

**_~Article 61~_**

**_If a Bro, for whatever reason, becomes aware of another Bro's anniversary with a chick, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless of whether he thinks his Bro already knows._**

_--taken from The Bro Code by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p. 82_

_

* * *

_

Clingy? He wished. She was the antithesis of the word.

Sure, she followed him around quite a bit when they first met but she quickly gave up the chase in favor of affairs of state. From the beginning, he had simply served as a distraction, something to help keep her mind off her lonely little life. Meeting him had opened the world up to her, made her life a lot more interesting. Who needed to follow a silly boy around when there was a war to be stopped? Why run after someone who reminds you of the lead in your favorite suspense novel when you can play the lead yourself? When the novelty of following him had worn off, she opted to keep herself occupied with more important matters. World peace, for example.

This had flustered Heero to no end. In no time flat, he found himself hallucinating her, hearing her voice, dreaming about her, muttering her name to himself at inopportune moments for no good reason and, dare he say it, missing her. Of all the women in the world to become infatuated with, to suddenly find himself stricken with obsession... Why did it have to be the girl he might someday need to kill? Oh sure, she openly showed him _fondness_. Fondness! She wanted him to stay by her side but she always made it clear that he was free to come and go as he pleased. Damn it...couldn't she understand that he didn't want to go? Why did she keep giving him the option? And why was he always stupid enough to take it?

Thankfully, Heero had come to his senses soon after he realized that he would never be able to kill her. He supposed it was somewhere between the first time he lost consciousness in her arms, during the Mariemaia coup, and the second time, when, in a drunken stupor, he passed out after throwing up on her.

During that first time in her arms, he realized two things. First, she was stronger than she looked to be able to catch him in free fall like that. Second, he could get away with nuzzling her breasts if he was half-dead and the moment was sufficiently dramatic enough for her not to notice.

During the second time, he learned even more. Her strength hadn't diminished in the least, if the way she hauled his drunk ass into her house was any indication. She wasn't squeamish either, judging from how she didn't flinch as he literally and figuratively spilled his guts. Note to self: love confessions generally work better if you aren't dry heaving between sentences as your vomit covered love interest helps you hold your head up over her once immaculate Italian porcelain toilet.

He spent the whole night slipping in and out of consciouness, her worried face being the first thing to greet him each time he opened his eyes. The object of his obsession cried for him, and it left him throughly shaken. All this time, he had thought she would be happier without him. That was why he had left... She no longer needed a distraction. She was no longer lonely.

But she was lonely. Lonelier than ever.

The world he had introduced her to threatened to swallow her whole, and she was afraid. Still, even with all her buried fear and insecurity, she would never have followed him to the extent she did when she was younger. She liked having him around but what could she do? Beg him to stay? Tell him he couldn't go? She was nobody's ball and chain. With her knowledge of life as a caged bird, she wasn't about to become Heero's prison. If he was happy out in space, without her, she was more than glad to feign happiness for his sake.

But he wasn't happy.

Out in space, he realized he needed her like gravity. Something to keep his feet firmly planted on the ground so he could walk forward, something to keep him from floating into nothingness...

Back on earth, she realized she needed him like wings. The world didn't offer her freedom; it was simply a bigger cage. She needed him, needed to know he would be there to help her soar, needed to know she was at least free to love and be loved in return.

And all it took for them to admit this to each other was a bad bottle of moonshine...

It had been a year since then. If there was one thing Heero took pride in, it was his ability to keep his calendar straight. Of course, his friends didn't have quite as much faith in his talents as he did. On his desk, he found a bouquet of sunflowers, a hotel card key, two tickets to a six o' clock horror flick and...a condom? He read the note, admiring the neat calligraphy of the first few sentences:

_"Never piss off your woman. It makes my job more difficult. Also, Sally says don't get Relena pregnant. She's too young for that."_

"Wufei," he smirked, reading on as the penmanship changed to bold print.

_"I picked the bouquet. They're hypoallergenic sunflowers. They're symbolic of adoration and, on the off-chance that she has a pollen allergy, genetically engineered not to make her sneeze. Take good care of her."_

And that was Trowa. Always giving things a deeper meaning. Heero continued, reading the next few elaborate cursive sentences.

_"Dinner's on me. Dorothy and I got you a table at Xiomara for after the movie. That's Spanish for 'ready for battle,' if you're wondering. It's our favorite place and quite close to HQ. I'm sure you can find it. Order the paella but steer cleer of the spicier dishes. Dorothy recommends the churros con chocolate to go. With the hotel room we got you, we doubt you'll have time for dessert."_

It seemed Quatre went all out. There was no way one could miss Xiamora out on the street. It was the most expensive place in town and tables were nearly impossible to get. He would have to be a lot nicer to Dorothy next time they saw each other. He heaved a sigh, mentally preparing himself for whatever Duo had written. The messy scrawl of the last few statements was barely legible but it served its purpose.

_"Good luck, pal. Hope you enjoyed our team effort. Treat the princess well. I thought you'd do better with a horror flick since you slept through the rom com during our double date. Try not to shoot at the screen, ok buddy? I splurged on 3D to up the scare factor. Know your girl's brave but this is her license to cling to you so take advantage. Also, don't fill up on popcorn. Prices are robbery and you don't wanna spoil your dinner."_

Heero smiled to himself. It seemed they had it all planned out for him. He had intended to cook her dinner but this week's experiments in the kitchen had been inedible. With this new itinerary, tonight was going to go great.

"Thank you," he blurted to nobody in particular.

He thought he heard Duo yell "You're welcome!" This was soon followed by a loud crash that sounded far too real. Upon opening the door, Heero smirked down at the three Preventers and the CEO sprawled on the floor, entangled in their listening equipment. Wufei's hand still covered Duo's mouth as Quatre and Trowa fought with wires.

"Again, thank you," stated Heero, effectively suppressing his laughter before closing the door behind him.

Once he had finally managed to pry Wufei's hand off, Duo sighed.

"Typical...he didn't laugh at the condom."

"I told you," declared Wufei smugly. "Birth control is no laughing matter. Pay up, Maxwell."

* * *

One-shot finished. :) Might or might not write about the date. Really depends on if I can pull off "Article 29: If two Bros decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that begins after 4:40 PM. Also, despite the cost savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead to procure individual bags." That would mean I'd have Duo and Wufei follow them (Quatre and Trowa don't strike me as voyeuristic.). It's be a stretch since I've never really written Wuffers at length before. Might be a long wait and it's not a sure thing... :sweatdrop:


	4. Spy Movie

**Disclaimer: **GW = not mine

**Author's Note: **So here's the sequel to Team Players. Some 5xM and 5xS. My first time writing those pairings so pardon me. Also, as much as I'd like to take credit for "gorn," it's an actual TV trope. :p

**Figurative Brotherhood  
by mistress amethyst une**

**Spy Movie  
**

* * *

**_~Article 29~_**

**_If two Bros decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that begins after 4:40 PM. Also, despite the cost savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead to procure individual bags._**

_--taken from The Bro Code by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p. 44_

_

* * *

_

Wufei regretted following his idiot comrade on this fool's errand. He wasn't the least bit interested in the cheap thrill of a horror flick. Most certainly, he didn't want to be caught dead seeing one with Duo at his side. People liked to assume things about _pretty_ boys, especially two of them sitting together at a movie where couples often used fear (feigned or legitimate) as an excuse to snuggle and make-out. He was not _pretty_. He would never use that adjective to describe himself, and anyone referring to him as such would have hell to pay. Sally barely got away with pinching his cheeks, and he'd be damned if anyone mistook him for a _pretty_ boy out on a _man date_.

He was a warrior, damn it. At the very least, his attractiveness level as a male was on par with "heartbreakingly handsome Heero Yuy." Sally had way too much time on her hands when she came up with that damned stupid alliterative nickname. How did Yuy end up with something like that when all she could do for Wufei was occasionally mock him with "Wuffles?" Honestly! The woman was doing her best to peeve him. She treated him like a child who needed to be mothered. He wanted her to see him as something more, someone who could-

He didn't need to get into his issues with Sally right now. No, he didn't. Thinking about _that_ brought up all sorts of weird thoughts about him being a teenage widower and her being a semi-cougar. Complications, issues with dating a co-worker, problems with dating an older woman, potential rejection, his dead wife's voice scolding him about his fear of falling in love minus prior arrangements...

_"The elders are no longer around to select an acceptable wife for you," Meilan would say. "We were a good match but isn't it about time you moved on? You let me go when you destroyed your machine. You let me go to join this woman. Make a move, coward."_

No. Just no. He did not need to get into that now. Damn it, Nataku. Not now!

Wufei sighed to himself, trying to focus on the problem at hand. How would he deal with the current situation if someone he knew spotted him? Perhaps if he phoned in a quick bomb threat after the show, he could justify his presence with Duo as a legitimate part of the peacekeeping process. Why exactly was he at the 6pm show with a pair of 3D glasses and a bag of popcorn if he found the situation so detestable?

"There they are," whispered Duo as a familiar couple walked the center aisle to their seats in the third row. Wufei and Duo immediately ducked, observing in as discreet a manner as possible.

Yuy.

To be specific, Yuy with what looked like a smile on his face.

A smile for the girl on his arm...

Heero was at his most vulnerable, and Wufei yearned to observe. Relena brought out a side of Heero that left Wufei at a loss. Just what was it about this woman that could render Wing Zero's pilot into something less than lethal?

When Heero and Relena were finally seated, Wufei and Duo assumed the proper movie going position and extricated themselves from the small hollow meant for housing human legs as opposed to the hardly contortionist bodies of two voyeuristic Preventer agents. An eighth row vantage point was excellent in terms of strategy and safety considering the small theater was only twelve rows deep. Not too close, not too far...

Duo nudged Wufei, slipping him the night vision goggles they were going to use for this little "mission." The pair was almost identical to the 3D glasses the theater used. No issues about standing out. Not that it was difficult to fade into the background once darkness set in...

"You can adjust the magnification on those," said Duo, handing Wufei an earpiece. "Ain't technology grand? Also bugged their seats so we can hear 'em."

Wufei hastily put on his earpiece and activated it to accept the audio feed. He only just managed to pull his popcorn out of reach as Duo's thieving hands grabbed at the bag.

"Buy your own, Maxwell. Real men don't share."

"I paid for your ticket!"

"I'm more than willing to pay you back in full. You'll just give it back anyway. Forgot the bet you just lost?"

Duo grumbled. "Just deduct it from my balance then."

A rather affectionate couple traipsed into Duo and Wufei's row, caught up in their giggling kissing fit as they tread on Wufei's feet.

"Now wait just-"

Duo grabbed him and down they went. Wufei's head crashed against the seat in front of him as Duo once more shoved the two of them into the compact space intended as leg room.

"Are you nuts?" hissed Duo. "Heero could've heard you!"

Duo peered up from their hiding place and, sure enough, the perfect soldier had stood up to scan the room for the source of Wufei's disgruntled voice. The young couple, that prompted the disturbance, was hardly distracted by Duo and Wufei's strange behavior. The girl opted to sit next to Wufei as her boyfriend took the seat to her left. Just wonderful...

"I thought I heard something," said Heero's voice in Wufei's earpiece.

Oh shit...

"I didn't hear anything," replied Relena's voice. "Why don't you sit down? I'm sure it was nothing. Probably just somebody who sounded familiar."

A long drawn out silence...

"Probably," said Heero, sounding thoroughly unconvinced.

"And he sat back down," sighed Duo in as quiet a tone as he could muster. "Still looking behind him though. Ok, she's got his face between her hands now, forcing him to look at her... "

"What is it that's got you so distracted?" she asked.

"It's nothing. Just-"

"Nothing is nothing. That's it. Heero, just do me a favor and sit back."

"Hn..."

"And now she's let him go and they're keeping their eyes on the screen," reported Duo. "Still, best we stay down until it gets dark. Thanks a lot, Wufei."

The small theatre slowly filled up. A few minutes later, darkness fell as previews were flashed onscreen. Wufei and Duo reclaimed their seats though Wufei did so with a lot less enthusiasm considering the action happening beside him. The girl to his left was apparently done making out but that didn't stop her boyfriend from pressing the occasional kiss against certain parts of her anatomy. Her hair, cheeks, shoulders, arms... Seemed the boy was working his way down. And all that infernal giggling! Wufei didn't con Duo into paying for a movie ticket to spy on Heero for this annoyance. He knew very well that this was an R rated movie but not in the pornographic sense. For strong violence and gore, was it? Perhaps he could arrange for some real life violence and gore of his own for the annoyingly affectionate lovebirds. He could produce and pioneer the gore porn industry with this first flick. Gorn... That had a nice ring to it.

Annoyance aside, there wasn't much going on with the couple Wufei had taken an interest in. Using his night vision goggles on high magnification, he could plainly see that Relena had rested her head against Heero's shoulder. That was it. Not a peep out of the two of them.

Slumping down in his seat, he threw a sideways glance to his right. It seemed Duo was more intrigued by the movie than the mission. For once, Wufei couldn't blame him. Heero and Relena were acting about as interesting as a pair of socks. Might as well watch what the money he'd extorted from Duo was paying for. It would be a waste of popcorn not to-

Duo practically jumped out of his seat as both his earpiece and Wufei's crackled to life.

"You scared?" teased Relena's voice in a hushed tone as the action onscreen featured an axe wielding murderer coming at a scantily clad teenage girl.

"Do you want me to be?" asked Heero quietly, employing his usual deadpan tone.

"Someone's learned how to be smooth," smirked Duo, suppressing a chuckle.

"People pleaser," she chided.

"No, just you."

"Very smooth," added Duo, increasing the magnification on his goggles as Heero leaned over to kiss Relena.

Neither of the two objects of Wufei and Duo's scrutiny screamed when the screen was bathed in blood as the girl was chopped to pieces. Relena gave a slight whimper when Heero released her.

"I thought we weren't going to be openly affectionate in public," she jokingly scolded, her tone sounded almost like panting, betraying the fact that she was out of breath.

"It's dark, and we'll perform lewd acts sparingly," declared Heero matter-of-factly. "It's the custom- Oof!"

"She elbowed him," sighed Duo. "Score one for the princess."

"Don't get chatty, Heero," she whispered playfully. "It's rude."

"Nobody can hear us."

Wufei nearly burst out laughing at that statement. He and Duo could hear Heero and Relena loud and clear. So sex appeal was what made the perfect soldier weak in the knees, was it? Well, not exactly the knees. Weak between the knees. Weak a little bit above between the knees...

"Can I kiss you every time somebody dies?" offered Heero.

"What the hell?" blurted Duo and Wufei in unison.

This earned them a chorus of "shh" from their fellow moviegoers. They ignored it, knowing very well the outrage had to be voiced. Heero and Relena didn't seem to notice, probably attributing the small "shh" disturbance as meant for someone making loud commentary to what was onscreen.

"Morbid, don't you think?" inquired Relena.

"Duh!" thought Duo, shaking his head.

"Not really. And we'd actually be quite conservative considering the number of deaths in this movie. I read the online summary before picking you up."

"Idiot!" Duo yearned to scream as he smacked himself in the forehead. Who the hell reads the summary before going to watch a movie? Heero "I always have to be frigging prepared, and thoroughly study and review my material" Yuy.

"Oh, did you?" challenged Relena. "Going to threaten me into submission with spoilers?"

"If I remember correctly, you like threats."

"Only from you."

"Yuck..." thought Wufei. There was a fine line between smooth and sappy. In a weird way, Relena had just crossed it.

"So can I kiss you every time somebody dies?" repeated Heero.

"Would that be less than ten?"

"More than ten, less than twenty."

"Iffy..."

"Just settle on a number already," pleaded Duo silently. "The movie's actually pretty good, and I'm sacrificing 3D to watch you two drip sap."

Wufei crunched away at his popcorn, only half-listening to his earpiece now.

"Betting the survivor will be a girl," he whispered, nudging Duo. "Want to get your movie money back?"

"They're boring you, too?"

"Not exactly. To borrow one of your terms, they're 'grossing me out.' Always thought Heero was... Well, look beside me to get a preview of what they'll probably doing in a few minutes."

The couple beside Wufei was necking, going at it like clothed animals. Thankfully, the movie was a special effects whore. The scene playing involved motorcycles and flaming chainsaws slicing and charring human flesh. This made the live mating rituals slightly easier to ignore.

"That's five dead," announced Wufei. "Turning off your earpiece?"

Duo groaned, hearing Relena's muffled moans against Heero's mouth. "Turning off the earpiece," confirmed Duo. "Swapping night vision for 3D? There's a kick ass dismemberment scene later. Saw it in the trailer..."

"Swapping," agreed Wufei, returning the night vision goggles to Duo and putting on his 3D specs. "Here, take the popcorn. Lost my appetite."

"I thought real men didn't share."

"I'm not sharing. I'm giving. Also, do me a favor?"

"What?"

"Kill me if I ever end up like Yuy."

"Oh come on. It's not that bad. I'm just like that with Hilde."

"Again, kill me."

"Look, it's fine if you don't mentally scar people around you. We got what we deserved for spying. Heero and Relena are strictly professional otherwise. Let them have their semi-exhibitionist fantasy. It's half the fun of the movies for some couples."

Wufei reflected on that notion. Exhibitionism? Would that be Sally's cup of tea? If he ever asked her out, would things end up like this? Would they spout nonsense to each other? Could he be as open with her as Heero was with Relena? Joke with her? Accept her teasing with a smile? Wufei sighed. She'd have to say yes to him asking her out first. Was there even a chance in hell of that?

"Hey," said Duo. "Just got an idea. Heero's on assignment with Relena in Siberia next week. Hilde and I are going to see a movie. Wanna come with? Bring a friend or something. Sally's probably game."

"Horror flick?"

"Action movie set in the 20th century. Lots of stuff blowing up. Big guns. War. Tanks. Not a lot of couples go. It's not make-out fodder. Prepare to shed manly tears though."

Wufei snorted. "Doubt that. Hm...well, I did do a lot of studies on the World Wars of the 20th century. Sally has ancestors who fought in those wars. I'll- I'll ask her."

"Cool," smiled Duo. "And I'm not kidding. Bring a box of tissues. I took Heero and the princess to one of those once and he-"

"Yuy cried?"

"This close," admitted Duo, holding an unpopped kernel between his thumb and forefinger. "Almost had him. Bet you'll cry."

Wufei laughed. "You're on."

* * *

One-shot sequel finished. :)


	5. Visual Aids

**Disclaimer:** GW = not mine.

**Author's Note: **Cause we all know Relena's a Bro. ;) Wait...does that make Heero the chick? Oh well... Also, Sexorcist is a real movie. No, I haven't watched it.

**Figurative Brotherhood  
by mistress amethyst une**

**Visual Aids**

* * *

_**Amendment IV**_

_A Bro shall never turn away a Bro who shows up uninvited at his door with a box of porn._

_**Amendment V**_

_If your Bro finds himself living with a chick, it is no longer acceptable for you to show up uninvited at his door with a box of porn._

_**Amendment VI**_

_Okay, if a Bro desperately needs to stash his porn somewhere, he _is_ allowed to show up uninvited at his Bro's door with a box of porn, _even if _his Bro is living with a chick. Since the Bro's connection with his porn undoubtedly constitutes an older and more meaningful relationship, the box of porn is afforded right of way over the live-in girlfriend, despite the porn's inability to get super pissed and withhold sex for the night._

_--taken from The Bro Code by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p. 189_

_

* * *

_

Duo Maxwell answered the door in a drowsy haze, wondering if he had walked into a particularly unpleasant dream as the figure before him finally came into focus.

Heero Yuy.

Holding a box.

Heero Yuy holding a box.

Heero Yuy brandishing a holo-disc from the box so Duo Maxwell would know what the box contained.

Duo Maxwell slamming the door in Heero Yuy's face.

Heero Yuy holding the door open at risk of finger amputation.

"It's not mine," said Heero, shoving his way into his comrade's apartment. "I need some place to hide it until I can find a proper method of disposal."

Duo stifled a yawn. "What makes you think it's ok to stash porn over here at six in the morning? Hilde's asleep upstairs. And what do you mean it's not yours? Oh wait, don't tell me. You stole _research material_ to please the princess, and she got pissed when she found it."

"No," stated Heero, looking his comrade in the eye with a seriousness reserved for funerals, as he set the box down on the floor. "It's hers."

"Hers?" mimicked Duo, not entirely understanding what the word implied after pulling an eighteen hour shift, and having his glorious rest interrupted. "By hers, you mean- You're seeing some sleezebag whore on the side, aren't you? I'm not buying that Relena watches..."

Duo hunched down and picked out a random title from the box.

"...'Sexorcist IV: Lust of the Damned,'" he read. "What is this crap?"

"I'm going to pretend you didn't just imply my _employer_ has the morals of a skank. The simple fact that you could accuse me of being unfaithful to her betrays your ailing mental state."

"Still can't say girlfriend, can you?" sighed Duo. "Typical. Psh..._employer._ Next you'll be calling her your sexual relations officer or your-"

Heero's glare could have melted Gundanium.

"I should stop. Fine, fine. Anyways, I'm just saying you shouldn't have to have a nice formal name for everything. So how exactly did you end up with this_...receptacle of adult entertainment?_"

"Dorothy."

"Of course. The future Mrs. Winner. Queen of the lascivious."

"Do you have any idea what you're saying?"

Duo shrugged, loose lipped from lack of sleep. "What? I can have a vocabulary. Unlike you, I actually paid attention in class whenever we went undercover. Anyway, what's she got to do with it?"

"Dorothy saw fit to cheer Relena up while I was away."

"With porn?"

"With porn."

_"I'm not going to cry over him," growled Relena, trying to keep her mind focused on the latest piece of legislation begging for her signature. "So, you see, Dorothy, there really is no need to offer comfort. I don't need comforting."_

_"I'll say," smirked Dorothy, sitting calmly before Relena's desk, closed carton box at her feet. "Though you do appear...frustrated."_

_"Pissed. Six months away on special assignment, and he gave me no notice."_

_"Going to miss him?"_

_"Going to handle the fiasco he left behind at the security department. Heero Yuy is a fucking whirlwind. Whisks me off my feet then drops me like nobody's business. Doesn't even think about the damage he leaves in his wake. And who has to pick up the pieces? Me, of course."_

_Relena was red in the face. All that suppressed sorrow was manifesting itself as rage. Not to mention the fact that Heero had left the sexual tension between him and the princess largely unresolved..._

_"A kiss in the night," she snarled. "And then he disappears just like that. Gives me a taste, leaves me wanting... What did he hope to accomplish by that?"_

_Dorothy sighed. "Men are strange creatures. Which is why I brought you this..."_

_She took the carton and placed it on Relena's desk._

_"What is it?" asked Relena as Dorothy opened the box for her friend's appraisal._

_"The summation of men's shallow desires," replied Dorothy._

_"Porn?"_

_"Porn."_

_"What does this have to do with-"_

_"He didn't screw you, did he?"_

_"No, but-"_

_"You would have let him though? That night he kissed you before he left."_

_"Well, yes. But what does that have to do with-"_

_"I've seen the way he looks at you. All the way back to Sank. He's always wanted you sexually. You two have a spark. To put it bluntly, you're his perfect vehicle for procreation, the most fun ride he'll ever have. Only recently have I seen something else."_

_Relena was far too stunned to speak. Dorothy had lost her at "perfect vehicle for procreation."_

_"He doesn't want to take the ride, Miss Relena. He doesn't think he's supposed to. To him, you're more than a means to a pleasurable end. He cares about you."_

_Dorothy took a holo-disc and slammed it onto the desk for dramatic effect. "You're not just a shallow desire. It's why he resists you. He's never wanted anything so badly before, and it scares him. More than that, he wants to become yours, and he doesn't understand why. To become one with you in body would mean never wanting to part from you again. What if you decided you didn't want him in equal measures? He fears the pain of that more than anything, more than death. And so he's left in one final futile attempt to cleanse himself of his desire for you. Mark my words, he will fail."_

_"What makes you say that?" asked Relena, her voice merely a whisper now._

_"He came to kiss you before he left, didn't he? When you're absolutely sure about turning your back on something, you don't look back. He looked back and then some. He'll be at your feet in no time. Give him hell."_

_Cue dramatic exit. Dorothy turned her back and headed for the door._

_"Um, Dorothy?"_

_"Yes, Miss Relena?" she replied, back still turned as she continued making her way out._

_"Your porn?"_

_"Oh, that. Keep it. I just brought it to prove a point. Visual aids to help illustrate the abstract concept and whatnot. Maybe it'll cheer you up. Get those fingers moving. Sexual frustration makes for an incompetent politician."_

_The limited edition release of "Sexhibitionism Uncut" hit the door as it closed behind the heiress._

"And Relena told you all this?" asked Duo, nursing a cup of coffee at the breakfast table as Heero sat opposite him, the box of porn between them.

"Yes."

"Sounds about right. You really did piss her off. Half of us were hoping you wouldn't come back since she didn't really need first degree murder ending her carreer..."

"And the other half?"

"Wanted you to come back so she could kill you for making her so damned miserable. Sorry to say I belonged in that half, buddy. If anybody in this universe deserves to be happy, it's her. Took a toll on everyone when she was in her funk. She sorta improved a few months in. Must've been when Dorothy stepped in..."

Heero took a deep breath, knowing he would forever carry the weight of that guilt on his shoulders. "I know she deserves to be happy. More than anyone. Being at her side is a privilege I don't take lightly. To think I hurt her-"

"I won't have angst at my table," interrupted a female voice.

"Hey, babe," smiled Duo. "Why'd you get up?"

Hilde took a seat, failing to stifle a yawn. "Porn for breakfast?"

"Long story," replied Duo.

"It's fine," she said, starting off a rapid fire litany of short statements. "I don't want to hear it. Too tired. Just checking up on you. Come back to bed soon, ok? I think I can catch a few more hours. Heero, if you're hiding your porn from Miss Relena, the guest room closet's free. If it's Duo's, do me a favor and knock the stuffing out of him."

"It's not mine, babe."

"Right, right. You never lie," she sighed.

She rose and left a kiss on Duo's cheek before retreating back to the bedroom. He gazed longingly after her, admiring how well she wore his boxers. Damn, those legs- Heero coughed.

"Oh yeah, right. You were saying?"

"I'm just not comfortable knowing I hurt her. She's more than I deserve."

"Glad you know that," snorted Duo. "You're exactly what she deserves though."

"How is that?"

"You said it yourself. She deserves to be happy. You make her happy. Do the math. You hurt her in the past so now you have to spend your whole life making it up to her."

Heero frowned a bit. "Last I heard, life sentences weren't meant to be enjoyable."

Duo put his empty mug down on the table, sighing in defeat. "You're hopeless, you know that?"

"I've been told many times by many people. Yes."

Duo took a deep breath. "Let's get this porn out of the way so I can kick your ass off my property. Wait...why exactly do you want to get rid of it? Dorothy used is as a prop, right? Relena hasn't actually been watching this stuff, has she?"

Heero cleared his throat. "She learned a lot during the six months I was away. Apparently, she's bested me in terms of research on this particular topic. As enjoyable as her experiments are, some of the others... I value my ability to walk, among other things. Some of the titles she has yet to view happen to feature maneuvers that would require me to dislocate certain parts of my anatomy. Also, stamina's been an issue of late and-"

"Okaaay...too much information," interrupted Duo, not trying in the least to hide how disturbed he was as he carried the box to the guest room. "Just consider yourself lucky Hilde approves. If she'd said no, there's absolutely no way I'd let you keep this in here."

"Why? I've known you longer than Hilde."

"Yeah, but Hilde's hot. Really nice legs."

"Relena thinks I have nice legs."

Duo should have dropped that box right then and there. No, he should have used it to bludgeon Heero over the head. You don't go around saying things like that!

"Relena and I have different tastes. _Very _different tastes," Duo bit out, trying to keep his tone as calm as possible even as his frustration peaked. "Besides, Hilde can get really pissy. Kick me out. Or worse..."

"Worse?"

"No sex," shuddered Duo, placing the box in the closet. "Not gonna elaborate. Unlike you, I value my privacy enough not to tell disturbingly detailed stories about my sex life."

Heero smirked. "You thought that was detailed?"

* * *

Another one-shot done. :) Lol, I can just see Heero freaking Duo out with tales of *ehem* bravado...


	6. The Perils of Bondage

**Disclaimer:** GW = not mine

**Author's Note****:** I've given Une the rank of Marshal in this continuity. Marshal happens to be "the most senior flag officer rank possible in an organization" according to Memory Alpha. Since, we all know Une's the head of Preventer, it's logical to assume that would be her rank. On an unrelated note, I served under quite the badass female Provost Marshall in our cadet corps. If and when I do decide to bring Une into the picture, I have a pretty clear idea of what she'll be like. :) This one's 4xD with hints of 1xR. Trowa's single. I don't like having all the pilots paired up so neatly...

**Dedication: **This one's for Cinnamon Selkie. Now that I've gotten you to like 4xD, it would be irresponsible of me not to feed the addiction. :p

**Figurative Brotherhood  
by mistress amethyst une**

**The Perils of Bondage**

* * *

_**~Article 146~**_

_**A Bro refrains from using too much detail when relating sexual exploits to his Bros.**_

_Providing graphic detail when describing a sexual feat unconsciously forces your Bros to picture you naked...and there's no coming back from that._

_**HOW DETAILED CAN YOU GET?**_

_**LEVEL:** __Vague  
__**SAMPLE DIALOGUE:** __"Got laid last night."  
__**ACCEPTABLE?** __Thumbs up_

_**LEVEL:** __Moderate  
__**SAMPLE DIALOGUE: **__"Totally got laid last night."  
__**ACCEPTABLE?** __Thumbs up_

_**LEVEL:**__ Specific  
__**SAMPLE DIALOGUE:** __"She put her [censored] on my [censored], which made my [censored] [censored] [censored]ly."  
__**ACCEPTABLE?** __Two thumbs down_

_--taken from The Bro Code by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p. 183_

_

* * *

_

Quatre Raberba Winner was starting his Monday morning in a less than dignified manner. For one thing, only a sheet served to hide his nakedness as he lay in bed. It had taken a lot of kicking and maneuvering to get the cloth over his hips to hide his _equipment. _Left arm cuffed to left bedpost, right arm to right bedpost. He was thankful Dorothy hadn't gone with the initial plan of cross cuffing his arms. That would have been-

He gulped. Either it would have been outrageously uncomfortable or scintillating enough to make him forget that pain was even a sensation. What was it about her that made him agree to these ridiculous things?

_"Don't you think I deserve a turn?" she asked, employing that almost feline tone, purring under his touch._

_As he trailed kisses over her rope burned wrists, he smiled against her skin. "If you can find bonds that can hold me, why not?"_

He really should've known better than to challenge her. She stood at the foot of the bed, dressed for business in a smart navy pantsuit, her hair tied back. For a woman dealing with a visibly distraught naked man handcuffed to her bed, she was the perfect picture of calm. She had her cellphone pressed against her ear, tapping her foot as she waited for the other party to pick up.

"Your comrade's going to need your help getting out of bed this morning," she stated when her call was finally answered. "You'll probably need lock picking equipment, maybe compact beam knives."

Loud muttering on the other end... It was impossible to discern what was being said from where Quatre lay.

"Why you?" she asked sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "The locks happen to be Preventer-issue. Also, I happen to know you're free this morning. I did help get you the day off."

More muttering. Quatre didn't need to use his rumored abilities as an empath to know the person on the other end of the line was very angry.

"In the middle of something? What could you possibly be in the middle of that's more important than- OH? You wanted the day off for that?"

OH? An "OH?" from Dorothy was never good.

"Right now? I caught you- Well! I hardly think your usage of profanity's justified, Mr. Yuy. Even if I don't have the option of taking advantage of your _early bird special, _I happen to be your client, too_. _Yuy? Still there? Yuy, if you don't answer me right- Oh hello, Miss Relena. Go to hell? Look, I understand you're upset but-"

Sighing, Dorothy clicked the phone shut and pocketed it. "I suppose they're not morning people."

"Dorothy!" bellowed Quatre, struggling against his bonds.

"Don't you dare snap off those bed posts!" she warned, pacing back and forth before the bed. "It's antique cherry wood. Been in my family for centuries. I was conceived in that bed."

"Then what do you expect me to do?" he bit out. "These cuffs are Gundanium! I can't break them. If you hadn't lost the keys-"

"I didn't lose them. My purse ate them."

She looked at her watch. "Hm...well, I'm running late. I'll give Marshal Une a quick call. She can probably bully someone into coming by later this afternoon."

"This afternoon?!"

"Don't complain. I know better than to schedule something this physically draining before any important business engagements. You have the day off. Meanwhile, I'm off to toil. The sacrifices I have to make..."

"So you expect me to stay home while you go off to work?"

"Precisely. Always knew you'd make a good housewife."

"Dorothy!" he growled.

Why did it seem like he only screamed her name when he was either in the throes of ecstasy or at his most pissed off? Would it kill him to whisper it sweetly more often?

"I'm joking," she chortled. "Lighten up. Just relax. I'll get you uncuffed in no time. Patience, _darling_."

The way she said _darling_ wasn't the least bit comforting. She might as well have used _slave_.

Before he could issue any more protests, she was out the door. Stealing a glance at the clock on the bedside table, he let loose an anguished scream. It was nine in the morning. How long would he have to wait for freedom from his Gundanium bonds and this antique cherry wood four poster prison?

Somewhere along the line, he dozed off. He awoke to the loud pounding of feet against the hardwood floor. He kept his eyes snapped shut. Whoever it was, maybe they couldn't see him if he couldn't see them.

"Do we even want to know?" asked Trowa's familiar voice.

"Doubt it," replied Heero, persisting in banging his boots against the floor. "Wake up, Mr. Winner. Your vindictive fiancée requested me specifically, and I won't have my work go unappreciated."

Quatre opened his eyes, groaning as his two comrades glared down at him. "May I explain?"

"Explain why you're handcuffed to Dorothy Catalonia's bed in only a sheet?" snorted Trowa. "The situation sort of speaks for itself."

Heero rummaged through his utility belt, refusing to look at Quatre. "Beam knife or lock pick? Personally, I prefer the beam knife. Quick, with the high risk of amputation on your part."

"Lock pick," swallowed Quatre. "About Dorothy. This morning-"

"This morning, she interrupted something _very_ important," growled Heero. "Today's my day off. Or so I thought..."

Heero handed Trowa a lock pick. Taking that as his cue, Trowa moved to the left side of the bed as Heero stayed on the right. Together, they began working the locking mechanisms on Quatre's cuffs.

"She didn't know any better," reasoned Quatre. "I'm sure she wouldn't have called if she'd known you were-"

Quatre cut himself off.

"Known I was?" inquired Heero, still fiddling with the lock.

Trowa played the part of silent observer, enjoying his neutrality in this conflict. The discomfort emanating from both his comrades was- Well, it was amusing.

"I don't think we should discuss that," snapped Quatre.

"Playing the prude now, Mr. Bondage?" smirked Trowa.

"I thought that was your title," jabbed Heero good-naturedly, referring to Trowa's regular gig tied down to a giant dartboard.

"Quatre's stolen it," remarked Trowa, laughing mildly. "All right, my side's done. May I recommend that you use your free hand to hike that sheet up higher?"

Quatre flushed angrily at the comment but saw fit to keep silent as Trowa disposed of the cuffs. He did as Trowa advised and used his reacquired mobility to gain a bit more decency with the covers.

"Hn," grunted Heero, taking the cuffs off on his side as well. "Job's done. I have a frustrated vice foreign minister to go home to."

Both Trowa and Heero turned to leave as Quatre gathered the covers around himself. "So neither of you is going to let me explain?"

"What's there to explain?" shrugged Heero. "You got laid last night."

"That's all we need to know," added Trowa. "Anything more detailed would force us to see mental images we'd rather not."

Quatre breathed a sigh. "So...this never happened?"

They walked out without another word, Heero slamming the door behind him.

* * *

One-shot finished. :)


	7. Sexual Orientation

**Disclaimer:** GW = not mine.

**Author's Note:** I might do a ficlet series on 4xD (Polite Acrimony) but must test the waters first.

**Figurative Brotherhood  
by mistress amethyst une**

**Sexual Orientation**

* * *

**Devil's Threeway—**Two dudes, one chick.

_--taken from The Bro Code by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p.194_

* * *

Dorothy's usual wicked expression of elation was absent as she entered Quatre's home office. If anything, she looked serious. Quatre practically bolted from his seat, trying to clear his desk of anything expensive or electronic before she got close enough to touch him. The last time she'd visited him in his office with that expression, she'd grabbed him by the collar, wrestled him atop his desk and sent his 50,000 credit laptop crashing to the floor. Though the ravishing he got from her was certainly worth the damages, the fees he paid Duo for trying to salvage the computer's memory were— Oh, all right, it was absolutely worth it. Still, he wanted to avoid the potential mess.

"You know I'm fairly liberal, Quatre," she began, placing both hands, palms down, on his now blessedly empty workspace.

Any second now. He knew just how liberal she was. He gave her what he hoped was a seductive smile, cocking an eyebrow suggestively. Why was she still maintaining the serious facade? Was it his turn to make the grab?

"I don't mind in the least if you feel the need to picture men while making love to me."

The four horsemen of the apocalypse could have come bursting into his office at that moment, and he still wouldn't have looked away from her. His face didn't just fall, it was bashed in by the impact of her words, shattered into a million shocked fragments of flesh and bone. This was one of her strange and complicated jokes, wasn't it? Fine, he was willing to play along. What's the punchline?

"However, I think we should end this relationship if I don't turn you on. It's a waste of our time. You should be more open."

His mouth fell open. Was she breaking up with him? That wasn't much of a punchline. If anything, that was simply a punch. Damned painful punch to his figurative groin...

"I'm sure the public will understand. No need to participate in a sham."

"What the hell are you talking about?" he blurted.

"No need to act innocent around me, Quatre," she stated, her tone sounding almost patronizing to his disbelieving ears. "It's perfectly normal if you...hm, how do I put it? Feel the need to stick yourself in another man's cockpit. It's a widely-accepted alternative lifestyle. Found these on your desk when I dropped by your branch office today..."

She took a pair of briefs from her pocket, waving them in his face as proudly as one would the flag of one's nation. He wrinkled his nose.

"I know they're not yours," she continued, still dangling the offending article of clothing in his face. "I buy all your underwear, for heaven's sake. No fiancé of mine goes around in atrocious tattered cotton. Who's the mystery man? I just want to meet my potential replacement. We can still part on good terms, Quatre! No hard feelings! If you're bisexual, that's fine, too. You only live once. Devil's threeway? I'm game."

If he really was having an affair with a man behind her back, shouldn't she be more upset? If anything, it seemed like she saw this as a small problem that could be worked out quite easily. A stereotypical woman in love would have had her world come tumbling down on her upon discovering something like this. Not Dorothy. He was quite sure she loved him but her ways of showing it— Full unabashed acceptance of your fiancé's possible sexual desire for men over you was sort of touching he supposed.

In a weird way.

Kind of.

If he did swing that way.

And what the hell was a devil's threeway?

"Dorothy, I'm not gay," he said, bristling at the accusation as he grabbed the accursed briefs from her grasp and threw them halfway across the room.

"Right!" she exclaimed in relief. "So you're bisexual? Well, I'm not selfish. I'm quite willing to share you with your male lover. Might be difficult but I'll see if I can adapt. If it doesn't work out, we can always be friends. I want to understand your needs, Quatre. I really do. You don't have to hide from me. If this was the usual case of infidelity, with some skank having her legs wrapped around you, we wouldn't even be talking. Castration might have been involved. But this is different! It's about being true to yourself, _darling_."

She really should never use _darling._ On her lips, it sounded more like a threat than an endearment.

"Look, I have no idea how those ended up on my desk but I most certainly did not _debrief _their owner. I'm straight and completely faithful to you. No lovers on the side, male or female."

"Why can't you be honest with me?" she pouted. "I already told you. I accept you as you are. Come on, you can tell me. I'll support you. If you feel you must leave me, I completely understand. Balancing two relationships would be-"

"Dorothy, I don't have time for your games. I had to reschedule a meeting with Heero-"

"So, it's Heero?"

"I didn't say that!" he bit out. "Besides, Heero doesn't swing that way. He's not even straight. He's Relenasexual."

She pinched the bridge of her nose, seemingly flustered by the whole imagined affair he was having in her head. "_Honey_, you're frustrating me."

She shouldn't use endearments on him. Period. That sounded like a death threat.

"_Honey_," he echoed, copying her tone. "Sorry to disappoint you but I'm not gay. You're stuck with me. Also, whatever a devil's threesome is, I don't want one."

"Threeway," she corrected. "It's two men-"

"_Definitely _don't want one," he amended.

"Your mouth says no but your mind says-"

"NO! If I didn't know any better, I'd say you wanted one."

She pursed her lips, suddenly distracted by the ceiling.

"Oh! Of course! _You _wanted one," he realized, his palm colliding with his forehead. "Is this part of some elaborate ruse to get me into a threeway?"

Her eyes flashed at that statement, training their angry glare on him.

"Of course not!" she spat. "I just thought the idea was amusing. When I found those briefs in your office, I weighed the pros and cons. The threeway thing was a toss-up. Look, Quatre, I'm trying to give us a clean break. Lying to me only prolongs the process. Let's get this over with quickly. Don't you think this is painful? Still, when I fell in love with you, I took a risk. I decided I would support you unless you were being stupid to the point of deadly. Love is a liability. When the spell it casts wears off, it leaves the formerly romance afflicted a mere shell. That makes things difficult. Eating, sleeping, working... Still, I took that risk and I'm willing to pay the price. Love ends but the world doesn't stop spinning for a broken heart so I can't afford to be indisposed for an extended period."

She hastily wiped at her face, taking a deep breath to stop the tear flow. "So please," she begged. "Be honest. If we can't be together anymore, I can take it. The sooner I know, the faster I can recover."

He got out from behind his desk and walked to place himself behind her. Wrapping his arms around her, he whispered in her ear. "You're the only one for me, all right? I don't want to leave you."

"But if you must-"

"Shh... No. I won't. Dorothy, it took me forever to get you to want me. I'm quite sure I'm someone you'll love but never need. You're always so strong, and I need you by my side. You make me strong. You say you can recover if I left you. Well, I'm not like you. If you left me... Do you honestly think I'd just throw everything away?"

"Everything?"

"You're my everything."

"Quatre, I-"

And it was at this point that an angry Relena Darlian chose to come bursting into the room, dragging Heero Yuy by the ear as Quatre's distressed secretary trailed them. Dorothy turned in Quatre's arms, looking over his shoulder to see what all the commotion was about.

"S-sir," stuttered the confused secretary. "I told them to wait but she's Vice Foreign Minister Darlian and-"

"It's ok, Laura," remarked Quatre, still holding onto Dorothy tight. "You may go."

Laura made a hasty retreat as Relena steeled herself.

"Heero has an apology to make," declared Relena, raising an eyebrow at Quatre's and Dorothy's affectionate display. "Am I interrupting something?"

Quatre took a deep breath and released Dorothy before turning to face his surprise guests. "Sort of," he said. "I suppose that makes us even."

"Actually, we're more than even," frowned Relena. "So I dropped by your branch office today, Quatre. I wasn't aware that you worked from home on Wednesdays. To my surprise, Heero was there."

She pulled at Heero's ear harder, still keeping the same hold on him as she had when she first dragged him in. Painful as that might have been, his face remained blank.

Relena cleared her throat. "I told him quite plainly that I appreciated his spontaneous gesture of affection but-"

"You enjoyed it," interrupted Heero. "A lot. I was just fulfilling a mutual fantasy."

"Not the point!" she shrieked, pulling at his ear hard enough to finally get at least what resembled a pained grunt. Satisfied, she released him.

"Anyway," she continued. "We might have- Well, we did have-"

"We had sex on your desk," Heero finished for her, staring at the floor, seemingly unaffected until the discarded underwear caught his eye. "And I believe those are mine..."

Three pairs of eyes went in the general direction of what Heero was staring at. The perfect soldier paid them no mind as he bent down to retrieve and pocket his underwear.

"YOU!" bellowed Quatre. "That was you?!"

Dorothy simply heaved a sigh of relief and rested a hand on her angry husband-to-be's shoulder. "Miss Relena, I believe you've caught us at a bad time. Do you mind if we talked at length another day?"

Relena smirked. "Of course not. Dinner at seven on Friday is still on. Come, Heero."

Heero and Relena were out the door seconds before Quatre finally decided on which method of execution to use on his former comrade. Thankfully, his fiancée's kiss, and subsequent wrestling of him to land atop his desk, wiped all murderous intent from his mind. Quatre couldn't exactly blame Heero, could he? After all, office sex was one of Quatre and Dorothy's favorite hobbies. Making a mental note to have his branch office desk replaced, he went ahead and enjoyed his favorite pastime, quite certain that no way was there anything better than making love to Dorothy.

Especially not a devil's threeway.

* * *

One-shot done! :D

* * *


	8. Independence Days

**Disclaimer:** GW = not mine.

**Author's Note**: I'm using the second August prompt from Love Reflection on this installment of FB since it seemed fitting. The prompt is "Like powder needs a spark, like lies need the dark, I need your love" from U2's "Hawkmoon 269."

**Figurative Brotherhood  
by mistress amethyst une**

**Independence Days  
**

* * *

**_~Article 37~_**

**_A Bro is under no obligation to open a door for anyone. If women insist on having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Honestly, they're not that heavy._**

_--taken from The Bro Code by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p. 54_

* * *

Relena liked opening her own doors, and Heero respected that. He respected that just as he respected her right to absentmindedly add eight packets of sugar and three creamers to her fifth espresso for the day. If she made it clear that she wanted to carry a heavy box of files without his assistance, he could respect that without insisting on giving her aid. He respected her...

...and it drove him crazy.

Relena's actions were inefficient. She would be better served by having him help her with certain things. The time it took her to open a door could be shortened by a few milliseconds if he did it for her. He knew that a few fractions of a second didn't mean much to most people but he understood the value of time like no one else. In battle, the difference between dodging your opponent's attack or being critically hit was decided in less than a blink of an eye. Couldn't she see the sense in that?

_"No," she replied, ignoring him in favor of her computer screen, not even sparing a glance for his charts and calculations on several time-saving measures._ _"By the way, could you do me a favor and grab me an espresso from the shop down the street?"_

He also took issue with her caffeine addiction, citing time and cost. In most coffee shops, it took forty-five seconds to make a drink. Heero could have performed the task in less than twenty-five. Even with cold drinks, requiring a six second delay to accommodate the viscous nature of cream and syrup drizzle, he would definitely move faster than those snails. They were charging Relena a ridiculous amount of credits for such poor service. Even when she wasn't purchasing coffee from a shop, it took far too long for a pot to brew. He had already told her that Preventer's laboratories had come up with a wide array of stimulants that would do a better job at keeping her awake than coffee. No preparation required. Since the drugs were still in the testing phases, they were also free. A more than acceptable substitute...

_"You expect me to give up my coffee and start doing drugs?" she bristled from behind her desk, defensively clutching at the disposable tumbler containing her over-sweetened caffeine fix._

_"They come in an assortment of flavors," he reasoned. "I'm sure they can make it taste like coffee."_

That didn't work.

Then there was the matter of her insistence on carrying heavy loads...

_"Carrying files is not an extreme sport," she insisted, huffing and puffing up the stairs with her fully loaded cardboard box. "Look, if the elevator wasn't offline, this would be cake."_

_"But it is offline," he reasoned, mildly miffed as he slowly trailed behind her. "We'll get up the stairs faster if I carry those."_

_"Heero, when we were at St. Gabriel's, do you recall even one time that I gave in to a boy's offer to carry my books?"_

_"No."_

_"So what makes you think you're any different?"_

_"You could pull a muscle, Relena."_

_"I'm twenty-one, not sixty. I can pull this off."_

_Heero knew she could pull it off but he really wanted to get back to the office this century. Unable to tolerate their slow ascent any longer, he swept her into his arms, box of files and all, and carried her up the stairs. He cradled her perfectly, holding her as a groom would carry his bride over the threshold. There was nothing mildly romantic about this gesture though...  
_

_"What do you think you're doing?!" she shrieked, holding the box tight with one hand as she clung to his shoulder with another._

_"If I recall correctly, you've never turned down a boy's offer to carry you," he smirked before breaking into a sprint. "Hold on tight."_

_If shock and terror hadn't so thoroughly silenced her as they sped up the steps, she would have pointed out to him that no boy had ever been stupid enough to make such an offer._

He was just trying to help.

Aside from serving as her security detail, there really wasn't much he could do for her. Even when it came to protecting her, he was replaceable. Any agent could easily take his place. Sure, they wouldn't do half as good a job but they could pull it off.

All in all, he was having a difficult time working alongside Relena not because she was inefficient but because she had far too few inefficiencies. She didn't really need him and they both knew it. Try as he might, sometimes he just couldn't understand why she loved him. He really didn't have anything to offer her. With Relena, every day brought the challenge of making himself useful. Loving an independent woman had a rather unique pitfall.

Of course, never was this pitfall more apparent than when she stepped onto the political battlefield in her "doom suit." The basic black pantsuit practically screamed "I'm too busy plotting world domination to think of what to wear today so I'm going with what's considered a fashion standard." Not surprisingly, it was a birthday gift from Dorothy. When Relena put that suit on, she meant business. Her mind was completely focused on accomplishing her goal and nothing would get in her way. Besides, pink wasn't exactly an appropriate color to wear on the political battlefield. No, that was reserved for the meetings leading up the massacre, the political gatherings televised to the public where she lulled her opponents into a false sense of security with her innocent smile and feigned ignorance. The woman they watched on television wasn't who Relena Darlian was as a politician. When the time to kill arrived, the bitch wore black.

Today, she was dealing with a room comprised solely of men. They were a hardworking bunch though a bit rough around the edges. During the war, they had been privateers, authorized by the United Earth Sphere Alliance to rob any ship or shuttle they perceived as an enemy of the state. The new Earth Sphere Unified Nations frowned upon this practice, banning privateering shortly after the Second Eve War. With no source of income, these men were essentially forced into piracy. If Relena couldn't talk them into enlisting under the space navy branch of Preventer, these men might very well rot in jail or be sentenced to death. She was in this room on an errand of mercy but that didn't mean she needed to look like an angel. No, these men had no trust for the government and all their false niceties. They wanted someone who would tell it like it was.

Relena was a chameleon in the boardroom, always adapting to her audience. Her voice deepened ever so slightly as she slowed the pace at which words left her mouth. The terms she used were broad and big, appealing to the male preference for a large sense of scale. In essence, she became one of the boys, an equal to all men in the room either friend or foe. She spoke their language, got all her points across efficiently about the perks of joining the space navy and the consequences of persisting in piracy. By the end of the meeting, the former privateers were applauding her, telling her they would convince all their crewmen to enlist. There was a reason ESUN trusted Vice Foreign Minister Relena Darlian even over the current foreign minister. She was a miracle-worker.

"You should be foreign minister," Heero told her as they walked back to her office. "You'd do a far better job than Richter."

"Miss Octavia is doing a fine job," smiled Relena, no trace of her "doom suit" persona manifesting itself even as she was still wore the ensemble. "I'm running for re-election alongside her next year. I quite like playing second fiddle. Not half as much stress. Besides, she's taken the job to heart. Her twin brother, Otto, died during the war. She's serving ESUN in his honor. Unlike some of the other people serving in our government, her intentions for maintaining a peaceful world are pure. She has my respect."

"You may like her but, admittedly, you'd do a better job."

Sheepishly, she nodded. "Well, yes. But my age does nothing to help my credibility. And again, Miss Octavia's still quite good. It's amazing how she's so calm amidst all the unwarranted criticism people throw at her. The woman works herself half to death, and all they see are her mistakes. If you think my schedule's hectic, you should try being on her security detail once. She practically lives in her office, receives death threats left and right thanks to the smear campaign her enemies launched against her. I feel guilty but I'm kind of thankful that campaign wasn't targeted against me."

An awkward silence came upon them as she turned the knob on her office door, admitting them both in.

"I'm sorry," he apologized. "I wasn't aware of Foreign Minister Richter's-"

"It's all right," she said, taking her place at her desk as Heero took his usual seat before her. "No one else really knows. It's why I'm supporting her."

"But wouldn't that be putting yourself at risk?"

"Miss Octavia lost a brother to the war. She has a husband and two daughters. Still, she risks her life to serve this unified world. Self-preservation is the last thing on my mind."

"Don't act like that."

"Act like what?"

"Like your life isn't worth keeping safe," he replied, triggering a tirade he'd kept bottled up inside for far too long. "You do so many stupid things, and I let you. I just stand there while you open your own doors and drown yourself in coffee. I can't help you carry things because you insist you can handle it. I watch you reason with pirates, afraid I'll have to draw my gun somewhere down the line if you fail to make them see things your way. But, so far, you've always been able to make them see things your way. The day you don't-"

"You'll be there," she interrupted, perturbed at how upset he seemed. "You'll protect me just as you promised. Heero, what's this all about? I worry when you get talkative."

"The time-saving measures."

"Huh?"

"You turned them all down. I can't help you with anything. You don't need me."

She paused, looking thoughtful for a second before giving her reply to him point-blank.

"Well, that's true."

She'd just confirmed his worst fears. Shock didn't even begin to describe the look on his face. Well, what did he expect? A comforting cliché answer? She wasn't the paragon of the oxymoronic honest politician for nothing. She didn't know why but something about the look on his face compelled her to chuckle.

"No need to look like that," she sighed. "You're spoiling my fun. Did you really expect me to come out with something like 'Of course, I need you?' You know I don't like lying to you."

More silence on his end.

"What we have is better than mutual need, Heero. We wouldn't be of much use to anyone if we broke down and shut down every time we're driven apart. I fared quite well while you were gone and you did a satisfactory job on your mission away from me. Truth of the matter is, we don't need each other. To paraphrase and improve upon a stupid saying, you're not my brand of heroin and I'm not yours either. We don't do drugs."

It was his turn to say "Huh?"

All right, Relena. How do you explain your definition of love without sending him running?

"What we have isn't symbiosis. It's more like a binding force that transcends distance. We like being together but we can stand to be apart for extended periods of time, too. Of course, I do think of you when you're away and I like to think that, sometimes, you spare a thought for me. It's rather unique. Most couples can't survive long distance. We've endured so many separations yet we're still going strong, aren't we?"

Slowly, he nodded, beginning to comprehend. They had faith in each other, believed in each other. They didn't need each other so it was even more profound. They were bound together simply because he loved her and she loved him. Nothing else.

"I like the way we are," she beamed at him. "At least, I know your life isn't dependent on mine. If I was gunned down tomorrow, you'd probably be upset for awhile but I'd like to think you'd get over it in time. You'd keep up the peacekeeping effort or avenge me or something. You wouldn't be a depressed mess forever. Do me a favor and feed my dead ego a bit though. Be a depressed mess for about a week or until after I'm buried and certified worm food. After that, go forget me and help society. Last thing this world needs is another unproductive citizen."

"I wouldn't get over you," he blurted.

She laughed. "And what if I ordered you to?"

"The dead can't give orders."

"Touché. Well, just take my word for it. You'll get over me. Some hot young thing will walk down the street and charm you and you'll forget all about me."

"Relena," he muttered, his tone carrying a warning. "I don't care what you say. I need you."

"And I'm telling you, you don't," she smiled gently, reaching out to stroke his cheek. "I love how you doubt me."

"Regardless of what you think, you're not allowed to die on my watch anyway. I'm not letting you give me the chance to get over you."

"Ordering me around? You know how disobedient I can be. Don't tempt me, Heero."

His hand went up to his face, pinning her hand to his cheek. "You say I don't need you but I still feel like I do."

She smiled once more, feeling the comforting warmth of his skin beneath her fingers and atop the back of her hand. "It's not me you need. It's love. That's something that will be around no matter what separates us. Even long after I'm gone, that won't erase the fact that I loved you in my lifetime. Even if you leave me and I move on, I will still have loved you."

He bowed his head slightly, as if in agreement. "Relena?"

"What?"

"Does this mean I can put my time-saving measures into practice now?"

And he was back to his old self...

"Glad to know you're still you," she chortled. "We'll see. I really don't like accepting help when I can do it myself. The last thing I want is people feeling like they're obligated to help me. I'm a politician. I'm the one who's obligated to help them."

"I don't want to help you out of obligation."

"Why then? Because you love me?"

"No," he stated, stopping to think for a second before giving her his answer.

"Why?" she repeated, eyeing him curiously as a sly smile played upon his lips.

"So you won't be too tired for sex," he smirked.

Relena was silent for only a moment before she burst out laughing. With a huge grin, she nodded her approval to his answer.

"We can compromise," she agreed. "I'll let you open a few doors and carry some boxes but I'm not skimping on my coffee no matter how much time you think I waste buying and brewing."

He smiled, gently moving her palm, sliding it from where it rested on his cheek to land against his lips. As he pressed a kiss on her hand, she decided that this was one of her better acts of diplomacy. It certainly came with the best personal benefits.

* * *

**Additional Notes:** The coffee shop service times are real. They're taken from a Yahoo! Finance featured article from the Wall Street Journal: "Latest Starbucks Buzzword: 'Lean' Japanese Techniques" by Julie Jargon (August 1, 2009).

Relena's tactics in the boardroom are based on those of a woman identified only as a litigation attorney named "Marsha" and featured in "Chapter 24: Muted Group Theory of Cheris Kramarae" of "A First Look at Communication Theory by Em Griffin, Fourth Edition."

And I apologize to any Twilight fans out there. I couldn't resist making fun of the "You're my brand of heroin" line. :)


	9. His Type

**Disclaimer: **GW = not mine.

**Author's Note: **The third August prompt happens to be a staple on my writing playlist so, for the second time, I'm using one of this month's prompts on FB rather than NN. It's actually a matter of story length allowed for the two continuities. FB lets me prolong the agony while I write NN to get a quick fix. Anyway, the third August prompt is "Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?) To say you're the only one breaking me down like this, you're the only one I would take a shot on. Keep me hanging on, so contagiously." from So Contagiously by Acceptance.

**Figurative Brotherhood  
by mistress amethyst une**

**His Type  
**

* * *

_~**Article 104~**_

_**The mom of a Bro is **_**always**_** off-limits. But the stepmom of a Bro is fair game if she initiates and/or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing...provided she looks good in it...but not if she smokes menthol cigarettes.**_

_Be it here resolved that at no point is it permissible for one Bro to engage in carnal delicacies with another Bro's mother. It is, however, allowed and encouraged for one Bro to graphically suggest to a Bro the athletic feats, animalia and/or machinery utilized during a fictional encounter with his mom. (Nota bene: It is customary for a Bro to avoid such **Brocularity** if his Bro's mom is a nine or better, for fear of Oedipal inducement.) Should a Bro discover his Bro is adopted, he is free to pursue his Bro's adoptive mother, but only after first corroborating nonbiological parentage through notarized birth certificates, hospital records, or comparative deoxyribonucleic acid gel electrophoresis, whichever is most convenient._

_**Brocularity—**Bro-inspired hijinks._

_--taken from The Bro Code by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p. 135, 193_

_

* * *

_

The Winner Conglomerate was currently facing a crisis.

A female crisis.

She was Clementine Hardbrook Winner, thirty-first wife to the deceased Zayeed Winner and a certified _"Mother I'd Like to Fuck" _or MILF, for short.

In the last four years, she had seduced half the members on her stepson's board of trustees, leading to a considerable spike in divorce rates within the conglomerate. Her current goal? Her stepson himself, Quatre Raberba Winner, current CEO of the Winner Conglomerate.

She had seen the boy's choice of fiancée, and wholeheartedly disapproved. What kind of stepmother would she be if she let her dearly departed husband's only son marry such a deplorable creature? Besides, Dorothy Catalonia was practically made of money. What did that girl need to marry her stepson for? No, if anyone was going to marry Quatre, it would be Clementine. Zayeed had left her with nothing in the will, and she believed she was entitled to everything his precious little brat of an heir now had.

And so she sought to create as much chaos as possible to earn a meeting with him...

Of course, Quatre was well-aware of his stepmother's intentions and made every effort to avoid her. He had more than a few stepmothers, most of them paying him no mind, satisfied with the inheritance his father had left them. Clementine was the only one cut out. His father had actually been in the middle of divorcing her when he'd died. Thankfully, Zayeed managed to cut her out of the will even before he served her with divorce papers.

Clementine was a little on the crazy side, to put it mildly. When Zayeed had first married her, she had maintained the facade of a more than acceptable wife. Then, a few months into the marriage, she revealed her true colors as a gold digger and an adulterous nymphomaniac.

Quatre knew very well that she would come after him sooner or later. Constant warnings were given to all connected to the Winner Conglomerate to steer clear of Clementine_._ Despite this, she still managed to seduce quite a few of Quatre's board members and associates, both male and, as Quatre discovered in recent years, female. She influenced them, undermined him. Just last month, she'd seduced his vice president...

This had to stop.

She told him she would halt her _attacks_ if he could reason with her.

One meeting.

That was all she asked for.

Reluctantly, he agreed.

What was she going to do? Seduce him like she had everyone else? Quatre Raberba Winner was not an easy lay, and sleeping with a woman his father had also slept with didn't appeal to him in the least. Besides, he had Dorothy, and you simply don't trade gold for pyrite. He admitted that Clementine was physically attractive but he also happened to know her secret. He was definitely going to turn the tables on her in today's meeting.

"I told him I know people," sighed Dorothy, sipping her afternoon tea as she and Relena discussed Quatre's woes. "I could make his evil stepmother disappear—" She snapped her fingers. "—just like that."

"And what did he say?" asked Relena, biting into a biscuit.

"He told me that hired assassins nowadays aren't what they used to be. He doesn't want to go to jail on a conviction for conspiracy to commit murder. People at work are giving him a hard time. The board's putting pressure on him to get her under control. Also, there's been no end to the lewd jokes people make at his expense about how everyone wants to screw his stepmother."

"Everyone? She can't possibly be _that_ attractive. How old is she now?"

"Forty. 100% certified cougar."

Relena raised an eyebrow. "Forty and men can't resist her?"

"Men and women," corrected Dorothy as she rummaged through her purse. With a dramatic flourish, she brandished a color photo and set it on the table between them. "I give you Mrs. Clementine Hardbrook Winner."

"Oh my..."

"I know," she sighed. "We can only hope to age half as well. She's obviously had some work done but it isn't too obvious. Anyway, I'm sorry that you and Heero have to break up now but-"

"What?"

"Miss Relena, Quatre asked that Heero be put in charge of Clementine's security today. Why else do you think I got you the day off for this _meeting_?"

"Because we're friends?" Relena reminded her.

"Oh right..._that,_" said Dorothy curtly. "But you know I almost always have an ulterior motive. So you're not aware? Didn't bother to look into why I'd get you off work and drag you out for a day with me?"

Relena shook her head, sighing. "I'm not going to like this, am I?"

"Quatre actually requested Heero specifically. I have no idea why he'd want to send his comrade to the slaughter. This is the first time he's meeting her in years. Actually, there's really no threat to her life except Quatre's overwhelming urge to strangle her after all the havoc she's caused. Here's hoping Heero can handle her but—Well, just look at her. Quatre's already made it clear that he's thoroughly disgusted by Clementine's actions but I can't help but feel a bit threatened. I mean you and I are both happily attached heterosexual women and, admittedly, we'd bang that given the right circumstances."

"I wouldn't."

"Miss Relena..."

"All right, maybe. If I was really drunk. Still, she's not Heero's type."

"Not his type?" balked Dorothy. "Again, look at her. She's _everybody's_ type."

"Heero's not everybody," stated Relena calmly. "To you, this must seem like blind faith but I'm certain he would never cheat on me with _that_."

"There's a fine line between optimism and foolishness."

"I'm being realistic. Again, she's not Heero's type. If she was his type, believe me, I'd be threatened."

"And what is his type?"

Relena looked thoughtful, stirring more sugar into her tea. "Not quite sure. I just know that woman isn't it. I just feel it."

"You're trusting him not to stray based on a _feeling_?"

"Yes."

Dorothy bit back a retort as the doorbell rang.

"And the boys are back," smirked Dorothy. "Still trust that feeling, Miss Relena?"

Relena simply shrugged, taking another sip of tea. "I already told you. Not his type."

Heero and Quatre made their way into the dining room, neither looking the least bit somber. Quatre was smiling from ear to ear, and Heero looked particularly pleased with himself.

"What are you two so happy about?" asked Relena.

Quatre grinned. "Pass me that picture, will you?"

"Picture?" Relena took the photo from the table. "You mean this?"

Quatre took it from her and gleefully tore into halves, quarters, eighths and sixteenths before reducing it to confetti. "Goodbye, Clementine."

Dorothy suppressed a laugh. "Would you two care to sit down and tell the tale?"

Exchanging smug looks, the two boys took their seats beside their respective significant others.

Quatre cleared his throat. "Where would you like me to start, ladies?"

"I'm curious as to why you specifically requested _my_ bodyguard," confessed Relena. "You owe me that after having Dorothy trick me."

Dorothy responded in a tone of mock offense. "Trick you? In what way did I trick you, Miss Relena? I simply wanted quality time with-"

"Quit it, Miss Ulterior Motive," chuckled Relena. "Next time you ask me out, I'll do my research. Anyway, your explanation, Quatre?"

"I needed a bodyguard for Stepmom Dear," said Quatre. "She's quite the home wrecker, and there are more than a few people out to kill her. Me included, actually. Anyway, I needed her bodyguard to be someone she couldn't seduce."

"Heero's hardly impossible to seduce," scoffed Relena.

"That's what you think," smirked Heero.

_Heero met Clementine Hardbrook Winner right outside her hotel. She wasn't difficult to miss with the outfit she had on: a strapless leopard print dress and three inch stiletto heels._

_It dawned on Heero that he now knew exactly what he was going to get Relena for Christmas.  
_

_On a lesser woman, that dress would have screamed "hooker!" _

_On Clementine, it somehow seemed fashionable. _

_On Relena, he would tear it off._

_All right, so he wouldn't be getting it for her as much as he was getting it for himself. Still..._

_"Mr. Yuy?" asked Clementine, interrupting his idle train of thought._

_"Hn."_

_Heero simply gestured to the waiting limousine and watched her get in the back before joining her. The trip to the meeting place would have taken about half an hour with light traffic. But this was Monday morning and Heero was stuck with the cougar in leopard's clothing for the long haul..._

_Not surprisingly, she made her move not more than five minutes into the drive._

_"Mrs. Winner, if you don't remove your hand from my thigh immediately, I will be forced to file a sexual harassment complaint against you."_

_She looked at him as if he had just told her the sun revolved around the earth. Obviously, she wasn't used to having her advances rejected. Her hand didn't withdraw._

_"Why so formal, Mr. Yuy?" she purred, continuing her idle stroking. "Call me Clementine."_

_"Miss Clementine, if you don't remove your hand from my thigh immediately, I will be forced to file a sexual harassment complaint against you."_

_Her hand practically leapt off his thigh. "You're gay, aren't you?"_

_The rest of the two hour trip was blissfully quiet as Clementine silently fumed.  
_

"Relenasexual," snorted Quatre. "I knew I could count on you."

Heero shot him a glare as Relena raised an eyebrow at the sound of her name's bastardization.

"Relenawhat?" she asked, not knowing whether to be appalled or flattered. She settled on confused.

"Relenasexual," Dorothy repeated for her. "Silly little term Quatre came up with since Heero doesn't really qualify as either gay or straight. For one thing, to be straight, you have to be attracted to women in general."

"Relena's a woman," stated Heero in his defense.

"Yes, but she's only one woman," Quatre pointed out. "One. You're not sexually attracted to anyone else."

"So?"

Relena couldn't help but laugh. "Quatre, just tell me before you turn my name into a slang term. And Heero, I find it hard to believe you're not sexually attracted to other women. Surely-"

"No."

"Well, let's test a theory, shall we?" interjected Dorothy. "Miss Relena said you'd never make a move on Clementine since she's not your type."

"Correct."

"So what is your type?"

"Relena."

"I rest my case."

"On what?"

"On the fact that you, Heero Yuy, are completely hopeless."

"I've been told many times by many people. I'm aware."

Relena coughed, a tinge of pink staining her cheeks. "Amusing as this is, may we please get back to the story? How exactly did you get rid of Clementine?"

"Ah yes," grinned Quatre. "My part in the plot."

_"Hello, Clementine," muttered Quatre as his stepmother made her way into his office._

_"That bodyguard you commissioned is quite the piece of work," she smiled smugly. "You're not like him, are you? Going to help Mama out?"_

_"You're not my mother."_

_"Exactly," she grinned, inching closer toward him, stopping before his desk as she bent over slightly and leaned so her face was mere inches from his. "Which means we wouldn't be doing anything wrong by-"_

_"I'm happily engaged, Clementine."_

_Her hand rose to cup his chin. "You don't seem happy."_

_"That's because you've been messing with my company. I'm here to offer you a settlement. Take it and leave me alone."_

_She leaned in, trying to kiss him. He turned his face, and her lips landed on his cheek. He backed away from her._

_"Don't make this difficult, Clementine. I don't want to destroy you."_

_"Destroy me?" she guffawed. "What could you possibly do? Kill me? You'd be the prime suspect. Everyone knows about the warnings you issued against me."_

_"I know your secret."_

_"What secret?" she smirked, assuming he was bluffing._

_He took a sheet of paper from his pocket and placed it on the desk between them. "DNA tests. Clementine, you know what a Y chromosome indicates, don't you?"_

_She went pale, now backing away from him. "You can't possibly- You faked those."_

_Score.  
_

_"Did I? Even if they are fake, why are you so upset?"_

_Swallowing hard, she gave her surrender. "How much is the settlement?"_

"Seriously?" blurted Dorothy. "She's-"

"A man," nodded Quatre. "Father knew but he was so thoroughly infatuated that he married her anyway. Thankfully, she took the settlement. I can play evil pretty well. I mean even if she'd turned me down, I would have tried to find another way to get her out of my hair. I would have never released her secret to the public. Can you imagine how many lives it would destroy? It would affect not just her but everyone she's ever slept with. It's up to her now whether she keeps the charade up or not."

"And this is why people say you're too nice," sighed Relena. "Though I now understand why Heero found it so easy to resist her. You told him she was a man, didn't you?"

"No, I didn't."

"Then-"

"You said it yourself," interrupted Heero. "She's not my type."

"It's just not possible that I'm the only one who fits your type."

"Why not?"

"Well, because- The world just doesn't work that way."

"The way the world works and the way I work are two decidedly different things."

"But-"

"Do you want me to be attracted to other women?"

"No!"

"Then why are we arguing about this?"

"We're not arguing. We're simply having a discussion."

"Then why are we discussing this?"

Why were they discussing this? Relena tore her eyes from her verbal sparring partner, seeking counsel from either Dorothy and Quatre. However, that was no longer an option. Somewhere in the middle of Heero and Relena's argument-discussion hybrid, Dorothy and Quatre had managed to slip out of the dining room. She looked at him once more, melting under the intensity of his stare.

"I don't know why we're discussing this," she finally answered. "It's just- You're so-"

"Relena, just stop trying to figure me out," he implored. "You see me as a puzzle. I'm not. You don't need to solve me."

"Then what do I do with you?"

"You know exactly what to do with me."

And when he kissed her, she decided he was right for once.

* * *

And now, finally Heero's won an argument. xD


	10. Product Research

**Disclaimer: **GW = not mine.

**Author's Note: **Seems most of the August prompts fit in more with with FB than NN. Anyway, the fifth August prompt is "And, this, is my brain, it's torturous analytical thoughts make me go insane" from Kate Nash's "Mouthwash." Pretty much screams Heero. Anyway, here's Heero + Grocery Shopping. A bit shorter than usual but I quite like the point where I ended it. :)

**Figurative Brotherhood  
by mistress amethyst une**

**Product Research**

* * *

_~**Article 30~**_

**_A Bro doesn't comparison shop._**

_--taken from The Bro Code by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p. 45_

_

* * *

_

Heero sat in Relena's study, all his tools at the ready: pen, paper, laptop, calculator, shopping list, various coupons he'd clipped over the course of the week, circulars from three grocery stores with the closest proximity to the Darlian residence.

The mission had been accepted, and he would have nothing short of perfection.

Grocery shopping was a delicate balancing act between cost and quality. His brows furrowed in concentration as he tackled the first item on the list. One store offered a buy one, take one deal on a certain brand of vanilla ice cream but Heero would not be fooled. He read online consumer reports on each and every product. Did they really think they could pull one over him? Their ice cream was of inferior quality, and article after article told him that the frozen confection was mostly air. He crossed that brand off his list of options and went to the next most affordable variety. He could make no mistakes at this stage. Planning was of utmost importance before engaging in supply procurement, and he wasn't going to fail.

Reading up on the next best deal, he nodded to himself. The product was above satisfactory if one took the ratio of its cost to its quality into consideration. Also, Heero had obtained a coupon that entitled him to a 10% discount upon purchasing this brand. Nodding to himself, he put this variety of vanilla ice cream down as his choice for the "final list."

"Is this how you spend your day off?" asked Relena, entering the study with a look of disapproval on her face. "What's all this?"

"Vanilla ice cream, a dozen eggs and strawberry preserves," he recited, his eyes glued to his research. "You told me to buy these things, didn't you?"

"I told you to pop by the store if you had some time to spare," she said, making her way toward him before stealing a glance at his laptop screen and surveying the spread on the study table. "By the looks of it, you've turned a simple optional errand into a full-blown fact finding mission."

"Obtaining the best quality product for the least expenditure."

"Comparison shopping," she sighed. "You're aware that we're not exactly on a tight budget, right? I'm not saying we should be wasteful but this is a small purchase. I wouldn't mind if you just went to the nearest store and grabbed the first thing you saw."

"That would heighten the risk of getting an inferior product."

"Heero, it's ice cream, eggs and jam. All the brands are pretty much the same and eggs are eggs no matter where you go. If cost bothers you so much, just buy the cheapest kind of everything."

"Price doesn't mean value for your money, Relena. A product may be cheap but unfit for consumption. There has to be a balance between cost and quality. Also, according to my egg research, there are several varieties and grades to consider. Color, omega-3 fortification, genetic modification, raising method classifications for the organic, cage-free and free range varieties as well as point of origin are but a few factors one should look at. When it comes to this food product, I'm putting aside price as an issue and focusing solely on quality."

"As long as I can fry it up for breakfast, it doesn't matter to me," she shrugged. "You do know that I'm banning you from all trips to the grocery store after this?"

He glared at her. "Resentment and oppression are not conducive to productivity."

"So I'm a dictator for not letting you do a chore? Heero, there are better ways to spend your day off than deciding what kind of eggs to buy."

"I'm simply trying to do my assigned task as efficiently as possible. It prevents conflict."

"Conflict?" she repeated, giving him a confused look.

"Duo spent all of last week whining to me. Hilde scolded him for buying the wrong kind of sanitary pad."

_"Wings, Heero!" groaned Duo, throughly exasperated. "She wanted the kind with wings! What the hell do those things need wings for? I don't see em' flying anywhere."_

Relena couldn't help but laugh. "Poor thing. Hilde really shouldn't have asked him to buy something like that. PMS irrationality at its finest."

"So, do you understand my justification?" he asked. "I'm simply making an effort to avoid a similar mistake for purchases you assign me. In the future, should you decide to have me purchase sanitary pads, what should I take into consideration? From what I read, that particular product hinges more on personal preference than-"

"Heero, I'd never ask you to buy sanitary pads. I know I get nasty around that time of the month but I don't see myself being that cruel."

"Hn," he grunted. He knew just how cruel she could be and it went way beyond asking him to buy sanitary pads. Still, in the interest of peace, he kept quiet and continued reading about eggs.

She sighed, standing behind his chair and looping her arms around his neck. "What do I have to do for a little attention around here?"

He ignored her, smirking to himself. It was good to have her be the needy one for a change.

"Playing hard to get, Mr. Yuy?" she asked, resting her chin atop his head.

"I _am_ hard to get," he told her, no longer really reading about the benefits of organic eggs versus their genetically modified cousins.

"So am I," she whispered, her teeth lightly nipping his ear. "I suppose I should leave you to your work."

She released him and made her way out, keeping her back turned to him as she lingered at the door for a few seconds. Was he really not going to follow her out? Turning to look at her prey, she gasped. He was already right behind her.

"How did you-"

The question suffered an untimely death as Heero's kiss effectively silenced her. When he finally released her, she found him glaring at her again.

"You taste like vanilla ice cream," he accused.

"Oh that... Funny thing," she chuckled. "I came in here to tell you that Pagan already did the shopping. Must have slipped my mind..."

"I endured reading consumer reports all afternoon for nothing?" he asked, visibly peeved.

"I suppose so," she smirked. "By the way, you're not the only one who does internet research, Heero. I've found some rather interesting uses for vanilla ice cream."

"What brand did Pagan buy?" frowned Heero.

"You just tasted it, didn't you?" she teased. "Not to your liking?"

"I'll need a better taste than that," he growled.

"Race you to the freezer," she winked, running from him as fast as her feet would take her.

* * *

Yeah, we all know he caught her. ;)


	11. Survivor Stories

**Disclaimer: **GW = not mine.

**Author's Note: **The sixth August prompt is "Punch your lights out. Hit the pavement. That's what I call entertainment. Causing problems make you famous. All the violence makes a statement" from "Lights Out" by Mindless Self Indulgence. This fic shows Heero as being pretty high up on the Preventer totem pole. Also, this is more of a "let's talk manly stuff" fic between the boys but there's hints of 1xR.

**Figurative Brotherhood  
by mistress amethyst une**

**Survivor Stories**

* * *

_~**Article 147~**_

**_If A Bro sees another Bro get into a fight, he immediately has his Bro's back._**

_--taken from The Bro Code by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p. 184_

_

* * *

_

Vice Foreign Minister Relena Darlian was out on the campaign trail with Foreign Minister Octavia Richter. Regrettably, Heero Yuy couldn't come with her, tied to certain duties that kept him from leaving Preventer HQ for extended periods of time. Long separations had become the norm for the couple over the past few months. How was Heero handling it?

He had taken to reading reports from Relena's security teams, venting his frustrations by scolding them for the smallest oversight. Suffice to say, she changed security teams on a weekly basis out of necessity. It would be evil to have just one team deal with Heero's rage every week. And so every Preventer faced the prospect of protecting Relena with fear... Who would be this week's sacrificial lambs?

Marshal Une's patience was wearing dangerously thin. Still, she couldn't exactly sanction him for doing his job. With his help, Preventer boasted an 8% semi-anuual boost in efficiency ratings. Still, she would prefer that her agents not need so much psychiatric help following encounters with him. She needed to get Heero out of HQ. But how? She couldn't launch him into space for months again. The best she could do was send him away for two weeks on a security assignment.

She knew just the man to assign Heero to.

"Ambassador Ethan Beckett?" asked Duo, shaking his head in dismay. "Buddy, you're gonna get beat up."

Heero, Duo, Trowa and Wufei sat in the break room, each nursing his own cup of coffee.

"Probably break a few bones," added Wufei.

"Pepper spray and tazers are the norm," said Trowa nonchalantly.

"What are you three going on about?" asked Heero. "I'm aware that Beckett's a bit wild but his partying shouldn't be too much for anyone to handle."

"Partying," snorted Duo, exchanging knowing glances with the other two Beckett survivors in the room. Together, the three of them gave off an air of superiority, silently telling him "You don't know what you're in for, Yuy."

"Are you going to give me intel for this mission or not?" asked Heero, trying to maintain his patience.

Trowa shrugged. "Who wants to recount their horror story first?"

Duo shook his head and Wufei rose from the table to pour himself more coffee.

"I guess I'm up then," sighed Trowa.

* * *

**_Exception:_**_ If his Bro has picked a fight with a scary-looking guy._

_--taken from The Bro Code by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p. 184_

_

* * *

_

_A knife zoomed past his ear but he was nowhere near the circus. No, Trowa Barton was in a dark dead end alley, stuck between the man he was protecting and a would-be assassin. He couldn't exactly turn to see if the knife that had missed him had hit the ambassador. That would leave him open to attack. What to do?_

_He quickly drew his flashlight in lieu of his gun, putting it on its brightest setting and using it to blind the assailant. He dropped the flashlight in shock as the beam of light simultanenously revealed and blinded the now shrieking attacker as she fell to her knees._

_"Catherine?" he gasped._

_"Trowa!" she yelped, recognizing his voice even as her arms remained raised to shield her eyes. She dared not put them down as white flashes swam in the darkness behind her eyelids._

_"What were you doing-"_

_"Arrest her," thundered Beckett. "She attacked me."_

_"Attacked you?!" screeched Catherine, slowly stumbling to her feet, eyes still covered. "You tried to grope me, bastard. I only hit you so I could run. And you! Trowa! What the hell were you thinking chasing me down like that? Didn't you recognize me?"_

_Trowa really didn't want to say no. How could he not have recognized her? To his credit, he hadn't really seen her face, kept a safe distance while watching Beckett at the club. From his vantage point, it simply looked like the ambassador was getting frisky with some random girl on the bar. Then things got ugly and Beckett ended up getting punched as the girl ran off... What was Trowa supposed to do?_

_"Do something!" insisted Beckett._

_"Trowa, if I have to spend tonight in jail for protecting myself-"_

_Trowa did what seemed logical at the time and chalked it up to temporary insanity. He quickly picked up his flashlight and blinded Beckett, helping his sister run to safety and hoping the ambassador would get drunk enough to forget this night or write it off as a bad dream._

_

* * *

_

"Cathy wouldn't speak to me for a month," said Trowa, wincing at the memory. "The rest of my time with Beckett followed a similar pattern. Angry girls rejecting his advances, him crying wolf about being attacked, me getting attacked by an angry girl in some shape or form. You learn things. For example, no matter the difference in the voltage levels of tazers, pain's pretty much the same. Also, you can't acquire immunity to pepper spray. Not to mention that Cathy's prone to missing her targets when she's angry..."

"You call that bad?" scoffed Duo. "At least you survived your whole two weeks. I was down in three days."

"And you're proud of this?" taunted Wufei.

"Shut up. You'll get your turn. Everyone knows you had the worst time with Beckett. Lemme tell my war story first."

* * *

**_Exception: _**_If this is the third fight (or more) his Bro has gotten into that week._

_--taken from The Bro Code by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p. 184_

_

* * *

_

_There were two sides to Ambassador Ethan Beckett. The man was drunk as all hell at night but he was also able to maintain just enough energy to power most cities once it was time for him to perform his duties._

_When the ambassador was at work, he was more than competent. His speeches were brilliant, and he was truly enthusiastic and passionate about the peacekeeping effort. This was why nobody wanted to impeach him._

_When the ambassador was partying, he was a Grade A douchebag. He had no respect for the women he hit on and drank until he passed out. Reputation meant nothing to him. This was why a lot of people wanted him dead._

_Duo had met both of Beckett's personas, and one thing Ambassador Beckett and Douchebag Beckett had in common was that they were both very confrontational. _

_As an ambassador, Beckett often got into heated arguments. That was fine. ESUN televised these arguments and called them debates. _

_Douchebag Beckett often got into physical fights. This was not fine. Newspapers published pictures of these fights and Beckett's rivals called it "good news."_

_By Duo's third day with Beckett, the douchebag had been in more fights than Duo cared to count. Duo had done his job and broken up each and every fight but not before taking some serious damage to himself. He was exhausted, unable to keep up with Beckett's "Work hard, party harder, get beat up the hardest" lifestyle. Bruises covered his body and he winced at the slightest contact. He hadn't slept since- He couldn't remember._

_He stood there and watched Beckett get roughed up. The idiot deserved this. Maybe the ambassador wouldn't be so eager to fight if- Oh fuck, the prick was bleeding now. Duo honestly did try to break up this fight once his conscience hit him but- Well, he passed out. Thankfully, the girls beating on Beckett took pity on Duo and called an ambulance. Paramedics don't discriminate and they mopped up the bloodied diplomat, too._

_

* * *

_

"Beckett will wear you out," said Duo, shaking his head. "I don't know how Trowa managed to keep up with all that."

"I didn't," admitted Trowa. "After awhile, I learned to buy him drinks. Cozied up to the bartender and told her to keep sending him _free_ shots to get him drunk enough to pass out. His staff had a hell of a time getting him prepared in the morning but, at least, he got into less trouble."

"I'll take note of that," nodded Heero. "Wufei?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Aw...come on," chided Duo. "You did your best. No shame in that."

"My best wasn't up to par."

"Just think of it this way," offered Trowa. "From your failure, Heero might succeed."

Wufei glared at him before taking a deep breath to calm himself. "Fine."

* * *

**_Exception: _**_If his Bro has a note from a physician excusing him from having anybody's back._

_--taken from The Bro Code by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p. 184_

_

* * *

_

_"Your knee injury isn't fully healed," scolded Sally. "Going on this mission is just asking for trouble. Beckett's already downed two former Gundam pilots."_

_"Third time's the charm," said Wufei, putting on his jacket._

_"I'm not giving you medical clearance."_

_"Dr. Kane already gave me medical clearance. I'm well enough. I can do this, woman."_

_"And if you can't?"_

_"I can, and I will."_

_Hours later, Wufei found himself in a hospital bed. Beckett's first failed female conquest of the night had used her high-heeled boot to kick him in his injured knee. He suffered a concussion when he hit his head on a bar stool. Sally spent all night at his bedside, telling him "I told you so," in all the variations she could think of._

_

* * *

_

"You need to be completely fit before taking on Beckett," Wufei bit out. "That's all I can offer."

"Thank you," muttered Heero. "I'm sure I can succeed in this mission."

"Confidence is good," nodded Trowa.

"Just don't get beat up too badly," added Duo. "Good luck."

Heero walked out of the break room, intent on succeeding where his comrades failed. Duo, Trowa and Wufei watched him leave, maintaining their silence a few seconds after the door had shut behind the perfect soldier. Once they were certain he was out of earshot, Duo took out a small notepad.

"What's your bet?"

"Put me down for two days," replied Trowa.

"Wufei?"

"Eight hours."

* * *

**_~Article 20~_**

**_A Bro respects his Bros in the military because they've selflessly chosen to defend the nation, but more to the point, because they can kick his ass six ways to Sunday._**

_--taken from The Bro Code by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p. 32_

_

* * *

_

Two weeks later, Heero returned intact, even looking well-rested. Duo practically dragged him into the break room, eager to interrogate him on his survival techniques. Trowa and Wufei were in their usual seats, feigning disinterest.

"How'd you do it?" asked Duo, not bothering to hide his burning curiosity. "We didn't see Beckett in the papers except for work-related crap. What gives?"

"I just gave him a good scare," said Heero. "I don't see why you three had such difficulties. Relena's a much tougher assignment."

"A good scare?"

"I showed him footage of various terrorist torture techniques," explained Heero. "Then, with Marshal Une and his entire staff's permission, I sent him a fake death threat. He stayed indoors for the duration of the entire conference except for business matters. I also made sure he knew I was his only defense against possible attack. He was more than willing to cooperate with me on anything regarding his safety. I don't know why this didn't occur to any of you."

"You broke him," muttered Wufei.

"I did what was necessary," stated Heero. "He has a new-found respect for the efforts Preventer puts into protecting people like him. He's better now. If you three will excuse me, I have to go write a report."

Upon Heero's departure, the remaining pilots in the room heaved a collective sigh.

"How does Relena deal with that on a daily basis?" wondered Duo aloud.

Trowa shrugged. "That girl's more powerful than anyone gives her credit for."

* * *

One-shot done. :)


	12. Bigger is Better

**Disclaimer: **GW = not mine.

**Author's Note: **The eighth August prompt is "Well one more night I'd like to lie and hold you, yes and feel, to make you smile, I'd like to be there for you, have you forgotten me?" from Stevie Nicks "If You Ever Did Believe." Yes, I know this is cliche. Kill me...

**Figurative Brotherhood  
by mistress amethyst une**

**Bigger is Better**

* * *

_~**Article 49~**_

**_When asked, "Do you need some help?" a Bro shall automatically respond, "I got it," whether or not he's actually got it._**

**_EXCEPTIONS:_**_ Carrying an expensive TV, parallel parking an expensive car, loading an expensive TV into an expensive car._

_--taken from The Bro Code by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p. 68_

_

* * *

_

"Are you sure you don't need help with that?" snorted Duo.

Duo watched Heero struggle to walk with a bouquet of lilies in one hand while using the other to half-embrace a giant teddy bear in a more or less successful attempt to keep it off the floor. The bear was brown, at least four feet tall, hopelessly obese, with a red bow tied around its neck. Its furry back was in Heero's face, effectively serving as an obstacle to the perfect soldier's vision. This wasn't a problem. Heero knew the layout of the ESUN building through and through, having studied maps of it from previous security missions. He could probably navigate it blind. However, he still had to avoid bumping into people. This was Duo's purpose: to tell Heero to turn if he was about to hit someone.

"What made you think this was a good idea again?" asked Duo. "You're not exactly the king of grand romantic gestures."

Heero chose not to dignify that with an answer. Relena had just been re-elected as vice foreign minister and all the pomp and circumstance had only recently ended. He was going to see her for the first time in months, and he wanted to make an impression. Today was her first day back at the office, and he was going to surprise her by being the first thing she saw before getting to work. Besides, it was sort of an inside joke. Roughly six years ago, he'd left a bear on her shuttle seat to celebrate her birthday and new position as vice foreign minister. Six years later, he was giving her another bear to congratulate her on her re-election. And, as promised, he was going to do so in person.

Even if it killed him...

"Elevator's busted," announced Duo.

"Of course," thought Heero to himself, wondering if inhaling teddy bear fur for an extended period of time was hazardous to one's health. Murphy's law seemed to be working at full strength today. He resisted the urge to ask what else could go wrong. He was sensible enough not to taunt fate.

"For maintenance," read Duo, looking over the sign taped to the closed elevator doors. "I'm sure they'll have it fixed within the hour and— Hey! Where do you think you're going?"

"Relena's due to arrive any minute now. I'm taking the stairs."

"With that load? You can't see shit! The princess isn't gonna appreciate that bear if you break your neck trying to get it to her. Maybe you could hand the bouquet over to me? Get a better grip on that thing?"

"I can handle it," he said, his voice seemingly coming from the bear obstructing his face.

Duo's palm swiftly collided with his forehead in a perfect expression of exasperation. "Could you put that thing down for just a sec? I feel like I'm talking to Grumpy Mr. Fuzzles."

"His name is Galileo," said the bear in Heero's irritated voice.

"You named him?"

"After Relena's favorite astronomer," remarked the bear, its tone now decidedly arrogant. "Are you coming with me or not?"

"Whatever you say, Galileo," sighed Duo, rolling his eyes as he followed Heero to the stairwell.

Even with his bear of a burden and the visual impairment that came with it, Heero raced up eight flights of stairs no problem. Duo kept up just fine, catching his breath when he and Heero finally stood before Relena's office.

"Pick the lock," ordered Galileo in Heero's irked voice.

"Bossy bear, aren't you?" sighed Duo. "Just gimme a sec."

Even if Heero couldn't see Duo's progress, he heard the dull click that signaled the door was now open.

"Don't forget to lock it behind you," cautioned Duo as Heero made his way in. "You don't want her to think there's been a break-in."

"Thanks," muttered Heero as he used his foot to shut the door behind him, kicking the button on the knob to engage the lock.

"Good luck, buddy," said Duo under his breath as he disappeared down the stairwell.

In the office, Heero set the bouquet down on Relena's desk and placed Galileo on her grand leather office chair. From the way the big bear sat, it looked more than ready to plot a hostile global takeover. Unlike the smaller bear he'd left in her shuttle seat, this bear didn't look like a forlorn orphan who needed someone to hold it. This bear stared straight at you with its big black glass eyes, expecting, no, demanding your attention. It was something that was simply too big to ignore.

Like his feelings for her.

"Apologizing for something?" inquired a familiar female voice. "Just how many affairs did you have while I was away?"

Heero had been too busy admiring his handiwork to hear Relena come in. Immediately, he turned to see her standing in the doorway, an amused expression on her face.

"A few," he replied, playing along. "No one I'd call back. And how's your lover?"

"Work? Still as dull as ever. I much prefer you."

"Work's been a dull mistress to me as well."

He paused, drinking in the sight of her before him. To his dismay, she'd lost more weight than he considered healthy. Her pantsuit, a cheery light pink ensemble, hung loosely on her body. Nothing a little dessert couldn't cure, he supposed. Well, a lot of dessert. Without him around to tell her off, she probably worked herself way past her limits. Her face had a haggard quality to it that make-up couldn't mask. Dark circles showed beneath her eyes, betraying night upon night of sleep-deprivation. He had his work cut out for him. It had been far too long...

"I've missed you, Relena."

"The feeling is mutual," she beamed, making her way toward him. "What's all this for? Did you cause a worldwide crisis behind my back?"

"I'm simply keeping a promise. You told me to give it to you in person next time, remember?"

"Is that why there's a new furry friend in my chair?" she asked, turning her attention to the creature in her seat.

"I named him Galileo."

"Good choice. Took me forever to name the other one."

"Ursa," remembered Heero. "Latin for bear."

"Redundant, I know," she chortled. "I don't pretend to be creative."

A serene quiet settled between them as she looked at him, raising a hand to touch his face. He looked better than when she last saw him. Well-rested. Still, she felt that something about him was off. What was it?

He moved to pick the bouquet of lilies up off the desk, offering them to her. "I did my research on the meaning of flowers. Yellow roses mean 'welcome back' but they also mean 'infidelity' so I just chose what felt right."

"Of all people, you're the one who should know I hate it when someone makes a big fuss over me," she smiled, still stroking his face.

"I always thought I was the exception."

Her hand left his face and she took the bouquet from him. "I really hate how you make me break my rules. Thank you, Heero. They're beautiful."

Before he knew what he was doing, his arms moved of their own volition, trapping her against his body. The bouquet fell from her hands but neither of them noticed. Relena realized then what had been off about him. He held her differently. Tightly. His grip wasn't enough to crush her or cause her pain but it was an embrace she couldn't escape from.

Not that she wanted to...

"It's good to be home," she murmured, letting herself sink into Heero's arms as Galileo looked on with what appeared to be envy in his big black glass eyes.

* * *

One-shot done. :) And Galileo really has no reason to be jealous. Heero hugged him all the way up the stairs. :p


	13. Alternative Means

**Disclaimer: **GW = not mine.

**Author's Note: **All right, so this is a bit of a controversial topic so I really hope no one finds it offensive. From the moment I decided to write this, I was worried about the reaction, especially from male readers. Hoping this turns out ok. It's also a bit more serious than the rest of this one-shot series but I kept it as light as I could.

**Figurative Brotherhood  
by mistress amethyst une**

**Alternative Means**

* * *

_**Brotection—**When a Bro supplies another Bro with birth control._

_--taken from The Bro Code by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p. 194_

_

* * *

_

It was a small token of appreciation from the Winner Conglomerate, a product their pharmaceutical companies had been working on for well over a decade.

"Consider this our thanks for helping us with the 'cougar' situation," grinned Quatre, obviously pleased with himself as he placed the pill bottle on Heero's desk. "We're thinking of marketing this to Preventer once it's finally patented. It comes in shots and pills. The shots are long-term, lasting a span of ninety days. The pills are a one for one deal."

Heero gave Quatre a confused stare.

"What does this have to do with me?" asked Heero, picking up the bottle to read the label.

"Miss Relena's on the pill, isn't she?"

"Hn."

"And if she doesn't take it everyday, it doesn't work, does it?"

"Hn."

"Side effects?"

"Sometimes, she gets nauseous," replied Heero, unable to make heads or tails of the label. There was nothing on the bottle to indicate its contents except the drug's name. What the heck was Preventol?

"And she tends to get moody," continued Heero, pausing to consider his answer as he wondered why Quatre would ask him such ridiculous questions. "I..."

The topic wasn't one Heero had ever imagined himself discussing, let alone with Quatre. Still, it seemed he had a captive audience that didn't intend on going anywhere anytime soon. He might as well finish what he started.

"I told her I wasn't opposed to wearing a condom," Heero bit out, finding that each word slipped out with relative difficulty. "She's- Well, she's- She doesn't like _inconveniencing _me. She likes doing things her way whenever she can even when it adversely affects her."

Heero took a deep breath, glad to have finished his sentences. It wasn't often that he found himself at a loss for words.

"You're holding the solution to that," beamed Quatre. "Just one dose six hours before the act and no more need for her to take that pill!"

"You sound like a bad infomercial."

"I'm rehearsing my sales pitch to Marshal Une," he shrugged.

"Your sales pitch for what? A birth control pill? And how am I solving Relena's pill problem by having her switch to your brand? It's just another pill. That doesn't seem-"

"It's not for her," said Quatre, pausing a bit for dramatic effect. "It's for you."

"What?"

"It's engineered with male body chemistry in mind. Based on our tests, there are no side effects. It's a real breakthrough. Actually, I've tried it myself. It works well."

"Your idea of a good thank you gift is male birth control?" spat Heero, feeling a strange mix of annoyance and complete befuddlement.

"My idea of a good gift is solving a problem for you," replied Quatre, that well-meaning smile plastered on his face. "You want to help Miss Relena, don't you? This is one way of doing that. Dorothy told me to give you this option. Miss Relena's never going to tell you about her problems on her own."

"Problems?"

"The nausea you mentioned," he sighed. "Dorothy will probably have my head on a silver platter for telling you this but..."

"But?"

"Miss Relena hasn't been well of late. She threw up on Dorothy during one of their lunches. I'm not blaming the drug but the amount of stress she's under makes it tough for her to deal with side effects."

Heero was mortified. How could Relena put herself through that and not tell him?

"She didn't want to worry you," continued Quatre, filling the uncomfortable silence as he observed the look of horror on his friend's face. "You know how she is. Anyway, Dorothy's having her warm up to the idea of having you taking Preventol. Miss Relena's the sort of woman who likes solving her own problems so I suggest you wait until she brings it up with you."

"Make her think it's her own idea?"

"Precisely."

"How are you sure she'll buy into this?" asked Heero, his tone doing nothing to hide his doubt.

"Dorothy's _very_ convincing."

"Hn."

"Anyway, I'll leave the Preventol with you. Taking it is easy enough. One pill six hours befor the act. I'm sure you can handle this, Heero. I have to go in awhile so anything else you want to say?"

Heero couldn't help but ask then. The question had been tugging at him ever since Relena's nausea had been brought up.

"When she threw up... Do you think- Could it have been something else? Not a side effect but a failure of her birth control methods?"

"You're wondering if she could be pregnant?"

Heero nodded. Quatre noted that beads of sweat were beginning to form on the perfect soldier's brow. Talk about being in the hot seat...

"She's not," Quatre reassured him. "That was the first thing on Dorothy's mind after the vomiting incident. She bought Miss Relena a pregnancy test and the results were negative."

Heero heaved a sigh of relief, and immediately regretted it. Quatre gave him an appraising look, the kind that made you think he knew exactly what was on your mind.

"From what Dorothy told me, Miss Relena was relieved, too. No need to feel guilty. We're all young, and there's plenty of time for children later."

Damned empath.

"Anyway, I really should be going," declared Quatre, frowning as he observed the time on his watch. "I have half an hour before the pill kicks in, and Dorothy doesn't like to be kept waiting a second longer than necessary. Good luck, Heero."

"Hn," he grunted as Quatre walked out the door, leaving him alone with the Preventol.

Heero picked up the bottle, looking at the label but no longer really seeing it. Relena had made herself ill for his sake, felt the stress of a pregnancy scare while he remained oblivious. She protected him from her own anguish even when he had made it his purpose to protect her. Why?

A knock on the door interrupted his train of thought. Her voice called out to him...

"Heero?"

He quickly tucked the Preventol away in his desk drawer.

"Come in."

She entered his office, looking mildly apprehensive as she took her seat before him.

"I have something to ask you," she said, a slight blush coloring her cheeks as she spoke. "It's all right if you refuse. I would understand. I mean-"

He didn't really hear or understand the rest of what she mumbled. He didn't need to. It was then that he knew for sure that he would do anything for her. Anything she asked. The woman he loved put everyone else above herself. It was only right that she have at least one person willing to go above and beyond for her.

He caught the tail end of her short speech, knowing she had probably spent hours rehearsing what she had just told him.

"...and I was wondering if you'd be willing to talk to Quatre about that product. Again, it's all right if you don't think it's a viable option. I also have my doubts and-"

"I'll talk to Quatre."

"Are you sure?" she asked, surprised by the conviction in his answer.

"It sounds promising. I don't see why not."

For the first time since she entered his office, she smiled.

"I should probably tell you the specifics then," she sighed. "Dorothy has Quatre use it, and she said it doesn't affect performance at all. You take it six-"

Heero sat through her entire explanation, a slight smile on his face as he feigned ignorance and calculated what time was exactly six hours before the start of his afternoon break.

* * *

One-shot done. :) And on an additional note, in Star Trek fanon, part of the medical package is birth control for both males and females. It comes in the form of shots that render them infertile for a certain period of time. It prevents unwanted pregnancies that would interfere with an extended service term. Process is completely reversible should the individual decide s/he wants kids. The way I see it, if it's good enough for Starfleet, it's good enough for Preventer.


	14. Something Borrowed

**Disclaimer: **GW = not mine.

**Author's Note:** I'm slowly running out of applicable excerpts so this series is going to end soon. *sighs* Hopefully, the next one isn't the last one. I'll try to hit twenty but I make no promises.

**Figurative Brotherhood  
by mistress amethyst une**

**Something Borrowed**

* * *

**_~Article 129~_**

**_If a Bro lends another Bro a DVD, video game, or piece of lawn machinery, he shall not expect to get it back unless his Bro happens to die and bequeath it back to him._**

_--taken from The Bro Code by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p. 114_

* * *

It was an unspoken rule of Heero's never to lend something out unless he could bear never seeing that item again. Trust wasn't the issue. No matter the nature of his relationship with the borrower, there was always the chance of some random catastrophe occurring, thus prompting the loss or destruction of the leased item. The way he saw things, he was simply sparing borrowers from potentially awkward situations.

"Lemme borrow the stapler," pleaded Duo. "I can't have these triplicate things flying all over the place. Promise to bring it right back. I'm begging, buddy!"

Begging was putting it lightly. Duo was on his knees before Heero's desk, worshiping before the altar of a particularly merciless god. Eighteen hour shifts prompted mild insanity amongst most Preventers. Heero liked to think he was immune to this hysteria.

"Get your own," replied Heero. "There's a reason we have a budget for office supplies. Check the supply cabinet."

Cruelty was unbecoming but Heero simply couldn't relinquish what his comrade needed. Duo was half-tempted to steal the small pink stapler off the desk. Heero's eyes dared him to.

"It's locked, ok? We're the only ones left here. I wanna go home."

Hesitantly, Duo reached out for the stapler even as Heero's glare intensified. Heero grabbed it off his desk before Duo could lay a hand on it.

"Use paperclips," he suggested.

"You know how anal Une is," growled Duo. "She said stapled."

"That's your problem."

"You can have mine," a familiar female voice offered.

The boys turned their gazes to the open door just as Relena took a small pink stapler, identical to Heero's, from her purse.

"Princess, you're a lifesaver!" exclaimed Duo, rushing toward her while exercising enough restraint to not throw his arms around her in Heero's presence. Taking the stapler from her, he made a hasty exit.

"You still keep a stapler in your purse," stated Heero, his tone incredulous.

"Never know when it'll come in handy," she shrugged, taking her usual seat by his desk.

"You do know that you're never going to see it again."

"I did say he could have it. That was the point."

"Come to scold me?" he sighed, sinking further down into his seat.

"I assumed it was my turn," she smiled. "For once, I'm the one coming to your office past midnight."

"Asking me to come home?"

"Perhaps," she smirked. "But first, you have some explaining to do. Would it have killed you to lend Duo a stapler?"

"No."

"Then why didn't you?"

"If I lent it to him, he would have finished all his work for the night."

"And what's so bad about that?"

"In his rush to clock out, he would probably go home with the stapler. I'd never get it back."

Relena found herself pinching the bridge of her nose in dismay as she contemplated the situation.

"I would have gotten you another one," she told him.

"That's not the point."

"Then what is?"

"It's not mine."

"Not yours? I distinctly remember giving it to you a few weeks ago."

"You let me borrow it," he corrected. "There's a difference. Borrowing means there will someday be a need to return it. I couldn't afford to lose something you entrusted me with."

"But I never asked for it back. I thought you would have understood that I'd given it to you."

Heero eyed her with what resembled mild disbelief. Perhaps he wasn't yet attuned to the lesser known rules of borrowing? During the war, it had always been a matter of taking and stealing. Borrowing was out of the question when one might not live to see the next day. You can't return something when you're dead. Well, one could perhaps arrange for a document with instructions for someone to return the loaned item upon your demise but there had never been time for such trivial matters.

Heero had always understood the main point of borrowing as returning the borrowed item, thus completing the commensalistic transaction. No questions asked. Returning protocol was still a tad obscure though. He had always thought that when the loaner asked for his or her item back, that was the time to relinquish it. That had always been the system for him. It was the only way he ever got his things back from Duo. Even then, it rarely worked. Often times, Heero would simply receive an apologetic "I know I left it somewhere! I'll get it back to you tomorrow! Promise!" followed by "I think I lost it. I'll pay you back!" At this point, Heero would politely decline despite being irked. He knew very well that being a Preventer was hardly high-paying, and asking Duo for monetary compensation regarding something so petty wasn't the least bit justified.

"Is that how things are?" he asked. "If you don't ask for it back, I shouldn't be expected to give it back?"

"Well, no," she explained. "I might have just forgotten to ask for it back."

"So I should have returned it instead of waiting for you to ask me to?"

"Uh...I suppose? I would have told you that you could keep it though."

Her statement only confused him further. He had always assumed that it was the loaner's responsibility to reclaim the item since he or she had taken on the liability of lending. The borrower was expected to gauge the amount of time in which he or she would need the item and then return it at his or her leisure? Unless this system worked like a library wherein fines and consequences were imposed once the borrower went past the amount of time estimated, this hardly seemed efficient. One's possession is one's responsibility. To trust someone else with its safe return was unwise. Sure, it was optimistic and not entirely uncommon but that didn't mean it wasn't ill-advised.

He kept that same quizzical expression on her. "But wouldn't that be risky? What if I chose never to return it?"

"It's just a thing," she smiled. "I could always get a new one. If someone asks to borrow something, it means they need it. They should opt to keep it for as long as they need it or until circumstances force me to ask for its return if my need for it became pressing."

"So I should have lent Duo the stapler?"

"Well, that's your judgment call. I mean I do agree with you on not lending something you borrowed. You'd be accountable for any damage, and it's sort of a violation of trust. But then I'd already given it to you-"

"But I was unaware."

"So I guess you did the right thing then," she shrugged.

Heero simply nodded, finally getting around to stapling the pages of his report together before slipping it into a folder. "Good to know. Now, I can say I'm done for the night."

* * *

One-shot done. Ugh...I fully expect readers to be highly critical of this considering it's a bit mundane and really has no point. Still, I thought maybe some of you might enjoy it so here it is.


	15. Begging the Question

**Disclaimer: **GW = not mine.

**Author's Note: **Yeah, this is long overdue but inspiration left me for a bit. Bit of a refresher to help with the plot of this one: Relena was twenty-one in Independence Days. She turned twenty-two on the campaign trail that ended in Bigger is Better.

**Figurative Brotherhood  
by mistress amethyst une**

**Begging the Question**

* * *

_Spider-Man's uncle once said, "With great power comes great responsibility," but what the great philosopher really meant was, "With great power comes a never-ending string of dumb-ass questions."_

_--taken from Bro on the Go by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p. xi_

_"What is it with everyone and their questions this morning? 'Where'd you learn to drive? Will you marry me? Why'd you say that to my baby?'"_

_--Veronica Palmer, Better Off Ted, Season 1, Episode 11 "Father, Can You Hair Me?"_

_

* * *

_

Relena was a veteran at rejecting impromptu marriage proposals.

Heero, however, would never quite got used to the fact that his girlfriend was the sort of woman who received impromptu marriage proposals from random crazed members of the male populace.

"If it bugs you so much, ask her to marry you already," scoffed Duo, launching another pencil at Heero's desk with his new and improved makeshift slingshot made of paperclips and rubber bands.

Heero caught the well-sharpened pencil in one swift motion. It quickly splintered in his tightly clenched fist.

"Whoa...tense much?" chuckled Duo, watching as Heero dropped the shattered pencil. "You've never broken any of my parrows before."

"It was a pencil," stated Heero.

"Pencil plus the usage of it as an arrow equals parrow," shrugged Duo. "Or maybe ancil... Nah, not as catchy. Anyway, that's not we're talking about. If you want other people to stop proposing to her, you should propose to her. We all know you're the only one she'll say yes to."

"No, we don't know. Only she knows who she'll say yes to and, for all I know, she'll say no to me. Besides, Relena and I have already discussed this. She was already apprehensive about starting a romantic relationship since I..."

Heero stopped, not wishing to remember the unpleasantness of the night when he found himself drunk on her doorstep thanks to Duo. Alcohol loosens lips and spills guts. It also spills whatever it was one had for dinner. Suffice to say, Heero dredged up more than his feelings for Relena that night.

"Lighten up, buddy," grinned Duo. "Sure, you left her for six months without a goodbye, and that really pissed her off. She forgave you. Heck, you told her you loved her while throwing up. She was cool with that. What's wrong with taking the next step?"

Heero glared at Duo. The man had a really bad habit of rubbing things in.

"She and I had a deal," said Heero, trying to regain his composure. "Just because she returns my feelings doesn't mean that she'll forget what I put her through."

"Well, yeah. I figured as much. She'd want you to win her back."

"And for the past few months I've been doing just that."

"So why can't you propose to her?"

Duo also had a really bad habit of being annoyingly persistent when it came to questions.

"She made me promise not to," Heero bit out. "Not until she turns thirty. She wants us to weather out a few years."

Heero thought back to a few nights following his drunken confession. That was when she'd told him.

_"Seeing that you're not intent on leaving this bed and walking out that door, I assume sex wasn't your sole objective when you told me you loved me."_

_Relena lay spooned against him as she told him this. Heero glared at the back of her head before kissing her shoulder. "No. However, I'd be lying if I said sex wasn't one of the objectives."_

_"That's good. I value honesty."_

_He didn't have to see her face to know that she was smiling. Her tone said it all._

_"Relena, is this a suitable arrangement for you? I mean...do you find me acceptable?"_

_She was unable to stifle a laugh. "Acceptable?"_

_"The conditions you gave me about us being together. Am I- Do I-"_

_"You want to know if you're making up for what you've done? Is that it?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Well enough," she sighed. "It'll take awhile for me to put everything behind us but you're doing a good job of making it easier. There's one more thing I should tell you. You'll think I'm being presumptuous though."_

_"What is it?" asked Heero, hanging on to her every word._

_"It's an if," she continued. "A very big if that will probably never come to pass but I might as well ask you."_

_She took a deep breath, stiffening in his embrace._

_"If you ever do decide that you want to marry me, I'm asking that you not propose until I hit thirty," she told him, her voice carrying a slight tremor. "It's nothing personal. I just don't want to get married until then. Also, there's a chance you'll get tired of me. You'll hate how we have to be apart because of my work, or I'll change and you'll no longer want me, or you might fall in love with someone else. There's a million things that can happen between now and my thirtieth birthday. Neither of us should be tied down too soon."_

_"I might fall in love with someone else?" he repeated, utterly flabbergasted. "And what about you?"_

_"Me?" she chortled, gradually melting into his arms again. "I won't fall in love with someone else. If there's one thing I'm sure of, it's myself."_

_"And you think I might?"_

_"That's up to you," she shrugged. "I'm helping keep your options open."_

"But she just turned twenty-two!" spat Duo.

"So eight years before I can propose to her," said Heero nonchalantly. "Besides, it's not because she doesn't want to marry me specifically. She doesn't want to marry anyone until then. That's what she tells me every time she notices that I'm bothered by the stream of proposals she's getting."

"Well...then why does it still bug you?"

All right, Heero had had enough of this interrogation. Time to fight fire with fire...

"Even if you knew she'd reject the man, wouldn't you be bothered if someone else proposed to Hilde?"

"Point taken," gulped Duo, noting how he felt frustrated ire emanating from Heero's face despite the distance between their desks. "But, then again, Hilde didn't tell me I couldn't propose to her."

"So when will you?" Heero shot back.

"Hey! Don't make this about me! I dunno... In a few months, in a year or two. Definitely before either of us turns thirty though. You're really going to wait for her then?"

"She fully expects me not to," shrugged Heero. "For once, I'm doing all I can not to live up to one of her expectations."

* * *

Yes, I know this could have been waaaay better. Forgive me. I'm still rusty. Since I've written so many proposal stories, I though I might as well try writing an anti-proposal one.


	16. History Lesson

**Disclaimer: **GW = not mine.

**Author's Note:** Well, here's another one.

**Figurative Brotherhood  
by mistress amethyst une**

**History Lesson**

* * *

**_A Bro at the Office_**

_"Clear browser history" saves jobs._

_--taken from Bro on the Go by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p. 55_

_

* * *

_

"If you have a logical explanation for viewing pornography during work hours using your work computer, I'd like to hear it," demanded Une. "You must be pretty smug considering you didn't even clear your browser history."

Heero stood at attention before Une's desk, unruffled and not even batting an eye. Calmly, he explained that he was simply going through remnants of the foreign minister's less than wholesome youth.

"I felt no need to clear my browser history since I assumed you would want the activity logged for a report in the future."

"A report?!" gasped Une, pinching the bridge of her nose as a headache came on. "Why would I want a report on your total lack of professionalism? How does that justify you digging through amateur streaming pornography sites on the job?"

"I have reason to believe that _less than flattering_ footage of the foreign minister is being distributed via the internet," stated Heero, using a euphemism as Relena had advised when discussing anything of a sexual nature with a person in authority. "I was simply browsing the most prevalent channel of distribution. Since nude pin-ups of Foreign Minister Richter have been phased out following her decision to run for office, I used connections in the red light district to obtain a copy. It proved quite difficult to find one with no retouching. After studying it, I then started my search, comparing the foreign minister's anatomy in the pin-up to those of several women with blurred faces on explicit streaming video. The task has not been easy but this was of utmost concern to Mr. Loobenfeld."

"Loobenfeld?" interrupted Une. "The head of public relations for the foreign minister? That Loobenfeld?"

"He was the one who gave me the leads," nodded Heero. "He asked me to look up certain videos to verify whether or not the foreign minister featured in any of them."

"And why couldn't he look these up himself?"

Heero cleared his throat. "Mr. Loobenfeld has looked them up along with an investigative team. I've been made part of that team."

"Without my knowledge?"

"I was unaware that you weren't privy to this mission, ma'am."

"Well, now you are," she bit out.

Heero was the perfect picture of calm but he sensed that something was amiss. Still, he knew better than to speak unless spoken to when Une was under duress. Duo had learned that the hard way, ending up with docked wages and an earful of angry German swearing.

"Loobenfeld," she muttered, rage underlining every syllable. "This is an egregious abuse of ESUN resources. I'm going to need to talk to him. All operations are to cease on this mission of yours. You are to clear your computer of everything pertaining to this fiasco. The mainframe has logged it all already anyway. Is that understood?"

"Yes, ma'am," barked Heero, making it clear that he knew where his loyalties lay.

"Dismissed."

Upon her command, Heero was out the door, making a beeline for his office to purge his system of everything pertaining to the Loobenfeld mission. How could he have been so gullible?

Sitting down at his desk, he quickly booted his computer and got to work.

"Relena must be rubbing off on me," he thought to himself, pounding on his keyboard and furiously clicking on files in a spur of deletion. "Putting blind faith in people. It only leads to trouble."

He had almost lost his job over misplaced trust. Loobenfeld was going to pay for this. Relena had already found the damned pin-up of Richter two nights ago. Strangely enough, she questioned him about it with amused curiosity rather than anger.

_"Why do you have a naked picture of my boss?" chortled Relena, moving to block the television before whipping the poster out from behind her. "You really shouldn't leave things like this lying around, Heero."_

_Heero practically bolted out of the couch, quickly hitting pause on his nightly viewing of survivalist documentaries. "It's-"_

_"Evidence for a mission?" she finished, pushing him back down. "Yes, I see. You strategically placed three 'EVIDENCE' stickers to make that clear."_

_Heero had eidetic memory. He already knew every inch of the image so censoring it while marking it as evidence was only logical. Two birds with one stone._

_"What mission is it?" she asked, cozying up next to him as she rolled up the poster and lightly bonked him on the head with it.  
_

_"I'm not at liberty to say."_

_"Oh, come on. Is it Loobenfeld? The wild goose chase he's got everyone on to look for Miss Octavia's allegedly leaked sex tape?"  
_

_"How did you-"_

_"Never underestimate a politician," she grinned, lightly tapping him on the head with the tube of photographic nudity. "I assume Une will want to talk to you soon."_

And sure enough...

"Told you so_,"_ taunted a familiar female voice.

Heero looked up from his work to see Relena standing at the door, smiling. He grunted, acknowledging her presence.

"Just thought I'd pop in for a minute," she said. "How did things go?"

"Loobenfeld is guilty of abusing ESUN resources, one of those resources being me," replied Heero with the best impression of nonchalance he could muster as he continued purging his system. "I should have been more astute, done more verification, checked the-"

"You were tricked. That's ok."

The clattering of keys and barrage of mouse clicks stopped. "How? In what parallel universe is that all right? What if I had been tricked about a matter concerning your safety or-"

"But you weren't tricked about that. We live and we learn. Better to make an error of judgment in something minor."

"I put my trust in him."

"And that's a good thing. Heero, remember when you first started working here? You were an overworked blitzkrieg of paranoia. Always quadruple checking everything. Now, you're starting to trust the people around you. Sure, mishaps like this will happen but don't let that make you lose faith in people."

Taking a deep breath, he looked at her, still framed in the doorway. "Did you come here just to tell me that?"

She nodded. "I wanted to make sure you would be all right."

"I'm fine," he said, his tone dismissive. "You don't want me to stop trusting. I get the point."

Rolling her eyes, she shook her head. "You think I'm being ridiculous, don't you? You've always seen me as this silly girl who looks for the good in things when there's none to be found."

"Not always. Just most of the time."

Crossing her arms, she glared at him. "I could have acted like a typical girlfriend and overreacted to seeing a clumsily censored poster of my naked boss in my boyfriend's possession. I would have been wholly justified."

"So why didn't you?" he said, his eyes now burning into hers. He had to admit that he had been wondering the answer to that.

"I gave you the benefit of the doubt," she explained. "Have you forgotten how you asked me to believe in you? I'm not one to break a promise. Besides, it's when people stop trusting that the world goes to heck. Wars start when countries suspect the neighboring nation of trying to destroy them without getting all the facts straight. Loobenfeld is fairly new. He didn't know about proper procedure, and everyone around him told him it would be ok to ask ESUN for help about Miss Octavia. He meant no harm."

Heero took a breath. "Why didn't you tell me that from the beginning?"

"I'm a politician," she shrugged. "I like to talk, and this seemed like an appropriate teaching moment."

"Relena-"

She hastily looked at her watch. "Look at the time! Here I am saying I'm just popping in, and now I'm proselytizing like a preacher on a pulpit. See you at dinner!"

Before he knew it, the only trace of her left was the sound of her heels clicking against the marble floor, fading as she disappeared down the hall.

"Teaching moment," he muttered under his breath, resuming his work. She wanted him to trust, to look for the good in people despite the predominance of evil. He suspected that, one of these days, her wide-eyed optimism would get her killed. It was up to him to make sure that never happened. Trusting people simply couldn't be on his agenda if he was to perform his duties efficiently, could it?

_"Have you forgotten how you asked me to believe in you?"  
_

He should have known his words to her on Libra would someday come back to haunt him. He was being hypocritical_. _He had asked her to believe in him, and she had done so and then some. Didn't he owe it to her to believe in her as well? Let her teach him a thing or two?

He really hated it when he was defeated by his own logic.

* * *

Hope that was a fun romp. :)


	17. The Hazards of Homecoming

**Disclaimer: **GW = not mine.

**Author's Note:** This one's for Lillie. Since you're offering to translate for me, this is the best I can do to reciprocate. Hope my 6x9 is up to par. (sweatdrop)

I was going to call this Earth, Wind and Fire (cuz you know, Zechs is Wind and Noin is Fire and they're going back to Earth and that band was awesome xD) but nah.

My humor muse is apparently a jealous bitch. I've been sitting on this for a month and had serious writer's block but once I decided on trying to write something angsty and serious, all these funny ideas came pouring out. Now, my angst muse has gone and crawled back into its shell. Meanwhile, my vidding muse is still a slut screaming random things like "Vid 3x4xD to Hotel Room Service cuz Quatre needs someone singing 'Forget about yo boyfriend and meet me at the hotel...' to him." and "Do 6x9 to Lady Antebellum's Need You Now!" Grr...

Btw, I'm wingzerosnuggles on YouTube, in case you were wondering.

**Figurative Brotherhood  
by mistress amethyst une**

**The Hazards of Homecoming**

* * *

**_A Bro at a Party_**

_"Remain calm, walk away slowly, and nobody will know you broke that."_

_-taken from Bro on the Go by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p. 116_

_

* * *

_

Zechs and Noin's stint on Mars was about to come to an end. Une's unwillingness to let two of her finest agents go had finally found justification in the dismal outcome of Preventer's most recent quarterly performance evaluations.

"Just get back here," snapped Une, her image fading in and out as static crackled and popped with her voice. Martian-Earth telecommunications had a long way to go. "You two are still under my jurisdiction. You still work for Preventer. The greenhorns have no idea what they're doing. They need a capable senior staff. I need you two back on this planet, damn it."

"What about Sally?" inquired Noin, running her fingers over the screen to wipe some stray red sand off. Sandiness wasn't just an uncomfortable hassle on the red planet, it was a way of life. "And didn't you get your hands on four of the five Gundam pilots?"

"I have Po and Chang constantly out on the field. Barton only works part-time, and I would rather not risk Yuy's rage for taking him off Vice Foreign Minister Darlian's security detail. As for Maxwell, he's more trouble than he's worth. Thankfully, Schbeiker keeps him in check."

"Schbeiker?"

"His girlfriend," she sighed, unable to keep from rolling her eyes. "I'm just thankful they share the same rank. I don't need the stress of implementing all that bureaucratic nonsense about fraternizing with superiors."

"Didn't stop you from taking the occasional tumble into His Excellency's bubble bath," thought Noin to herself. "Didn't stop me from letting Zechs see some 'swordplay.' Someone's gotten more uptight with age."

"Just please come back," continued Une, her tone pleading. "I'm willing to beg. I'm sacrificing dignity here. Name your price."

Noin raised an eyebrow. "Something tells me this isn't just about greenhorns and quarterly performance evaluations."

Une's static-ridden image bit its lip. For almost a full minute, she fidgeted, the sound of her fingers tapping against her desk mildly audible amidst the white noise.

Noin knew Une well enough to know that she only fidgeted when she was reluctant to reveal something of a personal nature. She decided to give her the push she needed. "If you can't tell me what's going on..."

"It's Mariemaia," she blurted, prompting a verbal geyser to come bursting forth. "The child needs me. She's fallen in love with the performing arts. Acting, singing, dancing. I'm raising a diva, but with Preventer in this state, I can't be the stage mother she needs. Her only living relative is Duchess Dermail, and I'll be damned if I let that woman hover over her. Did you know she had the gall to ask for my agents after a sexually related mishap involving Preventer-issue handcuffs? We are NOT the helpline for horny aristocrats and politicians. And speaking of horny, don't get me started on Yuy. Synchronizing his days off with the vice foreign minister's? If you're going to fuck, at least be discreet."

Noin's eyes widened at the obscenity before realization slapped a smirk on her face. Sexually frustrated single mom, thy name is Une. But what was all this about Heero and Relena? Wasn't their relationship strictly professional? When had it left platonic territory?

"That does sound like a lot to handle," observed Noin, trying not to get sidetracked by speculation.

"Thank you for noticing," growled Une, growing weary of playing the good sport now that the figurative beans had been spilled. "When can I expect you and Zechs back? And where is he anyway?"

"He's been in the shower for the last hour trying to wash the sandstorm out of his hair. Can you send a transport?"

"The Serpentarius is docking there in a week. I'll make arrangements. See you next month then?"

"Next month," she nodded, unable to keep from smiling as Une heaved a sigh of relief before the screen faded to black. If Heero and Relena were doing what Une thought they were doing, Zechs was in for a shock when they got back to Earth. Noin could only hope that conflict could be averted.

* * *

Homecomings always came with festivities but Heero and Relena weren't feeling particularly festive about this one. Their breakfast table banter had gotten off to a bad start, and not even the cheerful way their food had been arranged could change their foul moods. Pagan, being the bearer of bad news upon taking Une's call, had helped the cook arrange the meal hoping some levity might soften the blow. He served them each two sunny side up eggs placed side by side with a strip of bacon positioned directly underneath to form a plate that smiled up at you. Upon hearing a bit of their conversation before making his way out, Pagan wondered if he should have curved those bacon strips downwards into sadness.

This couldn't be good.

"You haven't told him?"spat Heero in disbelief.

"What was I supposed to do?" challenged Relena. "Find a way to randomly slip it into conversation? 'Oh, and by the way, I've been dating this boy I met in school. You know...the one I had to keep you from killing by having my plane get in the middle of your battle. Just thought you should know. I hope this doesn't negatively impact your opinion of my taste in men.'"

"I was winning," he bit out bitterly, picking up his bacon strip then deciding against gnawing on it. He put it back down in a lopsided fashion. Now, the plate looked confused.

"Heero, I'm no mobile suit expert but even I could see that Milliardo was wiping the floor with you. If we don't break this to him properly, we're bound to have a repeat."

"Of what? Antarctica? If Zechs and I do fight, and I'm not saying we will since there's an off-chance he might approve of me, I'm not half-bad at hand to hand combat."

Relena snorted. "If you didn't notice from the last time you met him, my brother is a _tall _man."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

She fiddled with her fork, poking at one of her egg yolks. Her plate wept runny yellow. "Nothing. I'm just saying you might find yourself at a disadvantage. It would be in our best interest not to provoke him. We'll just sit him down and very calmly tell him that we're seeing each other. As you already said, he might approve of you."

Why couldn't she erase a hint of doubt from that statement? She had been with Heero for well over a year now. In that span of time, he had already moved in with her yet she still hadn't managed to work their situation into any of the monthly vidcom conversations with her brother. Probably because her first attempt had been so disastrous...

_"Heero just got back from his deep space assignment, Milliardo. He's back on my security detail."_

_"Is that so?"_

_She nodded at the screen. Now, if she could only say 'and also, I'm dating him now.' Just spit it out, Relena._

_"Is he still interested in you? I may have been observing via holographic ocular node, but I saw the way he looked at you on Libra."_

_"Oh?"_

_"I didn't like it."_

_"Oh..."_

"It'll be two weeks before he and Noin get here," she added. "That gives us ample time to prepare. I think Sunday brunch would be ideal. It'll be just the four of us here."

"Hn," he grunted, casting no doubt on his pessimistic outlook.

The rest of breakfast was spent in silence. Heero made quick work of his eggs and bacon before rushing off, saying he had some paperwork to do. Relena dawdled, throughly disfiguring her meal before finally putting it out of its misery. What was she going to do? Quelling a potential war was a cakewalk compared to this. She knew in her heart that she really didn't care if her brother approved of Heero or not. Heck, sometimes even Heero didn't approve of himself. Still, it wouldn't hurt if two of the most important people in her life could get along...

* * *

The trip home had been hellish. A full month aboard the Preventer research vessel Serpentarius was no picnic. Une fully expected Zechs and Noin to work in transit.

_"Transport amenities don't pay for themselves," she told them. "Besides, the space division of our research and development team needs all the extra help it can get."_

And so, Zechs and Noin found themselves spending most of their trip home apart. After toiling through sixteen hour shifts, they barely had the strength to kiss each other goodnight as they tumbled into their less than comfortable shared bed. The days blended into each other as the portholes showed only constant night. The only semblance of day they got was the twelve hour cycle of brightening and dimming on the ship's lighting fixtures. Well, they would be seeing real sun soon enough.

On Mars, direct sunlight had been filtered through the settlement's walls. They lived in a city encased in a dome. The settlement was like a snowglobe, shielded from the Martian elements with its own environmental controls. Sand was prone to seeping in though. Otherwise, it was very much like living in a Lagrange point colony cluster. However, that wasn't the point of terraforming. Regular expeditions were done in order to tame the wild landscape outside the dome, allowing for expansion and the construction of more settlements. Progress had been moving at a slow and steady pace when they had left. With any luck, Mars would be Earth's twin by AC300.

Having left on an optimistic note, Zechs and Noin found coping with life on the Serpentarius a minor annoyance. Noin spent most of her time in the hydroponics bay while Zechs, with his expertise in physics and mathematics, found himself mired in the astrometrics laboratory. Lake Victoria had taught them well. Every OZ soldier was also adept at the sciences, each having selected an expertise. It was only logical. Nobody went around piloting mobile suits forever.

Noin's had chosen hydroponics for its applications in non-terran agriculture. Farming with no soil was definitely an asset to colony living, and her knowledge had helped efforts to grow edible vegetation on Mars. She was having a far easier time at her job than Zechs. It had been years since he had worked as a stellar cartographer. Mapping projections of space was vital to any ship and, in the academy, he had selected his specialty hoping to one day captain an exploration vessel when peace had been achieved and retirement was feasible.

_"We'll navigate the stars," whispered Zechs in her ear. "I'll map the sky out just for you."_

_He stood behind her, his arms encircling her waist, holding her against him as they looked out the window of her quarters. He really shouldn't have been there. A male student sneaking into a female student's room in the dead of night merited expulsion, sexual dalliance or not. Still, it was only in the dark that he would take off his mask, and she liked how moonlight and starlight framed the contours of his face while his hair shined silver. _

_"And my hydroponics?"_

_His faint laugh tickled her cheek. "We'll have to eat, won't we? I guess you'll be my breadwinner."_

Long ago, they had been such dreamers.

Putting the final touches on her botanical documentation, Noin heaved a sigh of relief. Reminiscing about the academy always gave her a heavy dose of nostalgia. Still, there was no point in living in the past. The war had changed them. So had Mars. Now, it was time for another transformation. In a week's time, they would set foot on Earth and move on to the next stage in their lives.

* * *

Relena was anxious, unable to keep from gripping Heero's hand in an uncharacteristic display of nerves as they sat on the couch. Letting her rest her head against his shoulder, he squeezed her hand reassuringly. Any second now, that doorbell would ring and they would welcome Zechs and Noin back to Earth with what they hoped would be an enjoyable brunch.

Just yesterday, Zechs and Noin had arrived at spaceport in Brussels and hopped aboard a charter flight to Preventer HQ. No doubt Une had met with them there to discuss the specifics of their new duties. After a month of working aboard a research vessel, the two must have been exhausted. Heero could sympathize. His deep space mission had involved serving some time as a mechanic aboard the Serpentarius, and it was easily one of the most draining jobs he had ever taken on.

Maybe Zechs's fatigue would be to their advantage? He couldn't very well throttle Heero for dating Relena if he was too tired.

_Ding-dong!_

And there it was, the opening bell. Pagan got the door as Heero and Relena both stood. Zechs and Noin stepped into the living room, haggard-looking but well-dressed in their uniforms. Heero mentally congratulated himself for having opted to wear his own uniform. There would be no awkwardness over being under-dressed.

"You're looking lovely, Miss Relena," declared Noin as the girl rushed forward to give the older woman a hug. "You should tell me where you got that dress. It suits you."

Noin wasn't lying. Relena's sleeveless yellow shift dress was modest without being prudish. If stores specifically manufactured clothing for brunches, that dress would certainly fit the bill.

"I got it at a flea market," smiled Relena. "And after all these years, you still insist on 'miss?'"

"Force of habit," she beamed, reluctantly releasing her and stepping aside so Zechs could hold his sister.

"It's nice to see you again," greeted Zechs, keeping his hug brief. Heero watched the proceedings like an ominous shadow, largely ignored. Well, what was he expecting? He would be a fool to think-

"Heero!" exclaimed Noin, taking noticing him. He was taken by surprise when she caught him in an embrace.

"I know about you and Miss Relena but Zechs doesn't," she hastily whispered in his ear. "I assume you two fully intend to tell him."

She let go of him rather quickly, making some largely nonsensical comment about how he'd grown a few inches before asking Relena how soon they could be ushered into the dining room for the meal.

Zechs nodded in agreement. "After six years of mostly freeze-dried rations, we could use some fresh food."

Relena led them to the dining area as Heero found himself contemplating Noin's words. So she knew...

Well, that certainly complicated matters.

Was she going to be an ally?

A foe?

Neutral?

He plopped down next to Relena as Zechs and Noin sat opposite them. As always, Pagan's skills at table setting were impeccable. The table's trappings included porcelain plates that boasted at least a century's heritage, polished silver cutlery and crystal goblets with rims that sang. The servants quietly made their entrance, ladling soup as the first course. Heero was starting to feel a hint of trepidation, his appetite leaving him. Today was definitely a big deal. The last time Relena had asked that the good china be used for a meal, he had been trying to gain her mother's favor.

_"I don't see why you thought I would disapprove," clucked Mrs. Darlian as she buried her spoon in her flan. "You're not exactly a charmer, Mr. Yuy, but my daughter sees you as someone worthwhile. The way she smiles when she's with you is more than enough to justify me liking you."_

_Heero and Relena sat stupefied, both their desserts untouched even as the sweets seemingly wobbled from the sheer will of the couple's unvoiced elation._

_"Though I might like you considerably less if you don't start eating," she smirked. "I didn't hijack Relena's kitchen to have my efforts ignored."_

_Heero considered it almost miraculous how that flan didn't come out his nose from the sheer speed at which he gulped it down. Hiccuping all the way through his goodbyes at the end of the night, he now had some inkling about where Relena got her ability to reduce him to a blithering idiot._

"So where are you two staying?"

Relena's question snapped Heero out of his reminiscence. That was certainly a question he wanted an answer to. Would they be moving into Relena's home?

"A very nice apartment Preventer rented on our behalf," replied Zechs. "We don't have to pay a single credit. It's part of our salary package."

Heero resisted the urge to sigh in relief. Dodged a bullet there.

"Sounds like a good deal," beamed Relena. "Will you be working near HQ?"

"Yes, we're essentially going to assist Une in running Preventer."

Relena looked impressed but Heero found himself unable to suppress a facial twitch. Zechs would be his new boss?

"Not as impressive as it sounds," interjected Noin as she threw Heero a reassuring smile. "It's mostly dealing with bureaucratic bull. All the boring stuff. Desk jobs."

"Well, it definitely doesn't sound impressive if you put it like that," said Zechs, giving her a look of mock disappointment. She elbowed him as Heero averted his eyes and looked down at his plate.

It was with surprise that Heero faced his entrée. When exactly had they taken the soup away? In its place, Heero now found himself staring at a rather formidable steak. He would have to start eating. It wouldn't be long before someone took notice of the fact that he hadn't said a single word since they sat down. At the very least, having a mouthful of meat afforded him a valid excuse not to make conversation.

"Someone's being a bit too quiet," commented Noin. "Heero, mind telling us how things are with you?"

Too late.

"There's really not much to say..."

Cliché, much?

"I'm sure there is," countered Noin. "Anything interesting happen recently? Like in the past year, perhaps?"

"Don't interrogate the boy," chortled Zechs.

"I'm just wondering," she grinned. "I mean a lot's changed since we went to Mars. It would be nice to get some updates."

Relena cleared her throat. Heero turned to her, transfixed. He supposed she was going to drop the bomb now. While the situation wasn't ideal, factors in their favor were in play. Noin had given them an opening with her segue to the topic of the past year. Also, Zechs was no doubt still tired from travel. Besides, the red wine paired with the meal must have mellowed him out to some degree if his defense of Heero against Noin's verbal onslaught was any indication.

It was now or never.

"Well, as you both already know, Heero came back from a deep space mission over a year ago," began Relena, pausing to gulp down a mouthful of wine before continuing. "He's been on my security detail since then."

"You told me as much," acknowledged Zechs.

Relena bit her lip, her forehead visibly crinkling as she struggled to spit the next sentence out. "I may have left some things out."

Her brother raised an eyebrow. From the look on his face, he didn't like where this was going.

"I'm sorry. I was going to tell you as soon as it began. I swear I was..."

Zechs had started to shake his head in perfect synchronization with Heero's. Preemptive apologies were never a good move.

"But that's beside the point. I think you should know, and I hope you approve. I've been going out with Heero for over a year now."

Zechs emptied his wine glass in one swift motion, unable to let go of the stem even as he set it back down on the table. He opened his mouth to speak but quickly closed it again. At least, his head had stopped shaking.

"And also, he moved in with me a few months back."

The long tense silence was swiftly punctuated by the glass shattering in Zechs's grasp. Unavoidably, shards of it embedded themselves into his skin. He didn't seem to notice.

"Milliardo, you're bleeding!" gasped Relena, nearly knocking over her chair as she rushed to his side.

He looked at his hand, entranced. "Yes, apparently so," he stated all too calmly, staring at it blankly. Noin hastily took the napkin from her lap and bound his hand to stop the blood flow. "I guess we'll have to cut brunch short for a quick trip to the emergency room," he decided.

"But Milliardo-"

"We'll discuss this another time," he said, getting up from his chair. Noin shrugged, following suit. She didn't seem the least bit disturbed by the events. If the small smile playing upon her lips was any indication, she was amused. She mouthed something to Heero as Zechs turned to leave. Relena could only slump back down into her seat, disappointment overtaking her as she watched the pair's retreating backs walk out the door. Meanwhile, Heero couldn't keep a smirk from creeping onto his face.

"What are you so happy about?" Relena bit out, turning to glare at him.

"I read Noin's lips. Zechs likes me."

"Likes you?" she spat, eyes widening in disbelief. "He mutilated himself in shock."

"But he didn't mutilate me," he pointed out. "That's a good sign."

Relena rolled her eyes. "Men..."

On the floor, the broken glass remained largely forgotten. An irked Pagan would sweep up the wreckage much later, wondering if either Peacecraft sibling cared about that goblet having belonged to a set that had been in his care longer than either of them had been alive.

* * *

I have an unhealthy obsession with bacon and flan. Bacon flan? :D Also, poor Pagan. And sorry, Lillie! I know you wanted Noin to kick Zechs's ass but I just couldn't do it. :(


End file.
